My unrealistic life plans

Things I'm looking forward to.

2011-08-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

I've been on a serious rollercoaster of feelings lately, quite intense..... but today was an - I LOVE LIFE - kind of day. Here's why.

-Michelle is here in a few days. For a whole week. 3/4 of 752 apt together 2 years later.
-Ireland. Seeing friends from South America for the first time in over a year.
-Boston. Annual visit to the loves of my life. I'm keeping these ones as long as possible.
-Lisa and Court might be coming out to Spain again in the fall.
-Julia living in Madrid for the next year.
-Reuniting with the La Paz group sometime in the fall.
-Angie coming out to Spain in the spring.
-Sena and Tito coming out to Spain next summer.

I'm not going to lie and I know I keep saying this over and over again... but I KNOW THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Some of them are similar, others couldn't be more different from each other, from all over the world, met at different times, but I LOVE THEM ALL. So much love. Wow, I'm super cheesy today but sometimes I think we could all use a little more cheese. It's like that New Years Day when I was walking down Mass Ave hungover and just had to say Happy New Year again because I was overwhelmed by how happy I was to be with my friends.

Other random exciting things:
-Cardboard furniture classes
-Website building projects
-Plans to crash weddings in Chile
-Wedding plans of friends
-Going to concerts
-Climbing mountains
-Learning to drive. Manual.
-Making more and more plans!!!!!

You know what else is great????

Remembering this - "Life is about forgetting the answers and enjoying the questions"

(Told you I'm cheesy today)

The problem with having 2 blogs...

2011-06-03T02:07:00.001-07:00

.... is that I definitely don't write in either. I don't even know where my head was at in my last post on this one. (PS I didn't do any of those To-Do list things)

I was going to write one of those life perspective posts, but now I'm too distracted and not in the mood to articulate anything.

So I will leave you with this. From Sam a long while ago... just checked my starred things in GoogleReader and found this gem.

WHAT day is it?

2011-01-20T03:29:00.001-08:00

To-Do this next month:
-Get running shoes. Start running (exercise!) at least once a week. Gotta start somewhere.
-Decide on where to look for jobs or what to look for.
-Read a newspaper every day
-Start take Spanish classes or doing a language exchange

Job options:
-NGO
-Higher Ed Administration
-Music/entertainment

Locations:
-Chicago
-Los Angeles
-San Francisco
-Minneapolis
-Seattle
-Maybe NYC or DC for potential grad school options
-Or maybe Boston

No idea. Maybe the best way to decide this is decide where I want to go to grad school.

That's it.

Mid-lower 20s crisis?

2011-01-04T22:35:00.000-08:00

I just had nightmares about regretting decisions made TWO YEARS ago. Now I can't sleep. In my dream and now drifting in reality, I'm feeling regret for turning down the job offer from Fuel TV way back in the end of 2008. How strange is that? There were a lot of rational reasons for that decision... it was technically a temporary position, so not that great of pay, no benefits, not really much room for moving up and expanding responsibilities in the job... I also had started to decide that maybe the music biz wasn't my place, nor LA.

Was I wrong? I wanted something where I could grow in the job, where I could have some more ownership and responsibility. Maybe it made sense when I had the job at NU on the other hand, but now I don't and I hadn't planned to stay there either.

Now I am working what.. an as-I-go job that I have basically as long as I want to keep it. Making decent wage but not that great, no benefits, and I'm missing the connections I had with co-workers and the good bosses and work environments I had in other places. I already know that teaching isn't something I want to do long-term. It's not even what I had planned to be doing here in Spain. So what am I doing? Too lazy to get out and find something. Also too illegal to do anything else here in Spain. Basically just wanted to be here to live and practice Spanish while making some sort of savings. But I can barely get out and explore other parts of Spain!

Now I feel like I'm just staying because I like the people I've met and they are here through the rest of the year too. Is that a good enough reason? Why did I decide all those other past decisions?

When you choose where you want to stay... what are you supposed to be considering?

The place
The friends or family in close proximity
Your boss and co-workers, work environment
The JOB. What you do. What you can do in the future.
Salary. Benefits.
Enjoying what you do at work.
Enjoying what you do outside of work.

I haven't got a clue. I thought 2 years away might get me some clarity but now I just seem to have lost my edge and I have no idea what I want now that I have these regrets and second thoughts and dreams seeping into my mind.

I think I'm only staying in Spain because I like where I live. I like the people I know. And I want to go to meet up with other friends in the summer when I have money and time. Those are the only reasons. The people. The places. The job is just how I can afford to do it.

There was another time when I used to do whatever I could BECAUSE of the job. Because I had career goals of working in the music industry. Of working in music supervision. But when I had an opportunity to get into the music industry, I turned it down. And perhaps related or not, I then fled the country.

Now I don't know what job I want. Or that I can even do. Is music still an option? Was I just having settling fears? Or was it the wrong job? Or the right job that I let go? OR do I still want to get into NGOs and development work? The more I look at graduate programs in this area, the more I feel out of place. Well I feel out of place talking about music nowadays too. I don't remember much from my undergrad classes except how to be organized and take leadership positions in different areas. I don't know if I could succeed in the music or non-profit sectors in reality. I guess no one really knows. They just have confidence which I seem to have lost somewhere?? Anyways. Grad school is scary and I feel incredibly underqualified. And now that I've been out of the loop, I feel underqualified for just about everything except English teaching which I don't want to do!

And now what?

2010-08-31T16:16:00.000-07:00

"I never refused the “wild child” within. Those who truly love you will encourage you to follow your dream and let this tremendous amount of enthusiasm and energy manifest itself."

Have to keep remembering that.

Am I totally wrong for going to Spain? Is it at least okay to try even if I do end up having to come back? Can I come back without having someone say, I told you so?

Stressing. I don't want to leave, but at the same time, I'm so ready to leave.

Social Media

2010-08-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I love being back and able to catch up on all my habits that make me feel like I'm learning or at least keeping myself entertained. Blogs, news, Twitter, Youtube, and more thoroughly stalking on Facebook.

But the weird thing is, this all exists in Spanish too. And so many other languages for that matter. I just don't know enough to always understand. And I always get frustrated when I find something that I think my friends in Chile or Argentina would appreciate, but I can't share it with them without a complicated and lousy translated explanation.

Even though we are maybe more connected through internet access around the world... it doesn't change the fact that we still have so many barriers and obstacles that separate us as people, cultures, individuals... So many jokes and stories lost in translation, and that's just a tiny bit of it.

There are just so many worlds that exist in this ONE world that we really know nothing about. Not always by lack of interest or trying, but maybe it's just impossible to ever really know. How frustrating! But it only makes me want to try harder to learn... I love the impossible.

Why I save everything that I don't need.

2010-08-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have WAY too much junk that I can't seem to get rid of. Tubs and boxes of old letters, notes, cards, pictures, writings... but they all are connected to people and memories. Some might say I hold onto the past and don't move on... but what's so wrong with that? My past is what brought me to today. And while some people might want to forget about the past, I use it to remind me of who I am, where I've come from. Some people go on and forget the people they knew so long ago because they aren't a part of their lives today... Sure that does make sense and maybe it's something I just haven't been able to do yet, or something I might never be able to do.

When I come back to Wisconsin, (even though I haven't been here for over a week or two at a time in at least 5 years) I still make an effort to see people I haven't seen in a year to up to 5 years. Because even if we haven't been in touch and have NO IDEA what's going on in each others lives, I'm the type of person that wants to find out. We all change, but as someone once said - "The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart" ... I guess I'm lucky to have found friends like that since I always seem to be leaving. It's incredibly difficult.

I was trying to explain this to my friends from Chile... it's difficult for them to come to the US because of the funds, but I think it's possible if they are motivated enough to save up over whatever amount of time it takes. What I find more difficult is that courage to leave behind everything you know, to say goodbye to the places and people that you love.... to risk it all so to speak and just go on chance and take the opportunity to get out there. That mentality is what is makes the process so much more difficult.

Anyways, the point I'm getting to, is that I'm completely torn again about what I'm doing. I loved South America, I would love to go back, I miss so many things about it that are indescribable to someone who hasn't been there. It has... it. The thing that makes you feel at home even when it's not your home at all. The thing that lets you get caught up in the moment and feel such a sense of freedom and life. It's beautiful on the surface with all of it's historic, cultural, and natural sites, and it's so much more meaningful when you get to know it some more. Most of the countries had something to offer but where I fell in love was Chile and Argentina, when I spent time with the people, and overall just more time in those 2 countries.

Now I'm off on this even crazier mission of moving to Spain. You'd think it'd be easier than planning year-long backpacking trip in South America but it's not. I don't know if it's because I am going in so blindly, or because I'm I'm just scared of this attempt to actually settle for the whole year, but I am more nervous about this than I felt going into any of the countries in South America. I don't know why. I think the travel bug is out of me, I'm ready for some kind of routine, I definitely need to work, but still I am so anxious about trying to do that in Spain. Settling is something you can succeed or fail at. And that's more scary to me than traveling alone. When I'm traveling, I'm completely open to anything that happens or anywhere I might end up. Having a destination and a goal in Spain of working and living... that's so specific.

And sometimes I wonder if I've been wrong to leave the job I liked, constantly leaving behind people who I absolutely love... Distracting myself by going through all of my old memories in my house made me realize how many people I have lost touch with over the years. I know I always look forward to seeing them again, but not everyone does that. I miss being able to grow and change and experience things with people... Although I get to do what I want in my crazy dream adventures, I miss out on living life with some of my best friends. That's probably what's really getting to me most right now. That I can see people after so much time, and still spend hours laughing with them and hanging out because nothing's changed while everything changed... I don't want to leave them again and miss out and have to catch up all over again. I want to BE THERE for them. I guess all I can do is keep the hope that keeping in touch while apart is enough.

ANYWAYS, I went off on a million heavy tangents there... the reason I started to write was to say THIS - I found a list of things I want to do before I die that I started in middle school and added to in high school. And I read through it... and there's plenty of things still left to do. And there's tons crossed off. That's amazing. There's a fair amount that might never happen, but that's okay. Ambition and dreams are important... now I just have to get to prioritizing them with everything else that falls in the path in front of me...

A friendly reminder of Desiderata

2010-08-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

I know we've all read this, but it's just so good and I think we need to refresh our memories of it every now and then...

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann-

Last day in South America

2010-08-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

It's my last day in South America and I can't sleep nor move to do anything... sooooo why not write a little note about my last year + 1/2 a month? I think some people think I am absolutely insane (which may be true but for other reasons) so here's my best explanation of how I ended up where I am and why I'm going to Spain next.

Where to begin... People always ask me what made me decide to come to South America and people think it's crazy that I'm heading to Spain next. It's a good question... "Why?" It's hard to come up with that answer. After being out here for so long, I forget what I'm like when I'm in a settled routine. ANTSY is what I am. I was looking at an old blogs I wrote when I was having my end-of-college crisis.... and it's amazing to see how I was thinking and how I already knew that I have an inability to settle and a tendency to go after unrealistic plans.

"I need some kind of adventure... Something new and exciting, unknown and challenging. I get bored. I try to stay away from going back to what I know, what I've done already just for the sake of knowing that I can or that it's convenient. What I want is crazy and impossible."

"I usually tell other people to go out and do their thing, go after whatever they want, figure it out, try and fail or succeed... Take the time to live and things will come together on their own. The hard part is to ignore everything else and just take the time to ask yourself, What do you really want?"

NO LIE, 2 years ago on August 12, 2008... I wrote this -"The current unrealistic life goal: Go to South America for all of 2009." I love it when unrealistic life goals happen.

So after university, I had a job in Boston, an option to go back to Los Angeles, and then the big unknown of South America. I seem to have an inability to settle, so I went for South America. I found the English Opens Door program online to start off the continental adventure, bought a Lonely Planet to plan the rest, and here I am today.

How was it? South America was nothing short of an incredible adventure. I visited 6 countries, worked on my spanish, and saw amazing sites like Torres del Paine and Perito Moreno in Patagonia, Iguazu Falls in Argentina and Brazil, Machu Picchu in Peru, and the salt flats in Bolivia. I came to South America with plans to volunteer for most of the time but only ended up with 3 very different experiences. I taught English in Chile, built a house out of mud and painted it with cow poop in Argentina, and helped with earthquake reconstruction in Peru.

It's definitely unbelievable that I've been away from home for so long, but I had a second home in South America in Mejillones (where I lived and taught English in Chile). Besides that, I think you can feel like home when you're surrounded by the right people. In some ways, the people you meet while traveling can be something that matters more than what you see or do.

I met people from all parts of the US and all over the world... Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Czech Republic, Germany, France, Switzerland, Sweden, England, Ireland. No matter where you are from or what background you have, you can always find people who are exactly like you and those who complement (not compliment) you. There are the same types of people anywhere you go - both the good and the bad. And there's people who bring out the best in YOU and those who bring out the worst. You can meet people who are so RIGHT for you that they are on the same level as friends you've known for years. I am so lucky to have met some of these people and can't wait to see them again someday.

I loved South America.... and I think I made the best out of the moments I had. Sure, there are some things I might not do again, but that's what "once in a lifetime" is about, right? I came with few expectations and got lots of surprises along the way. It was an unrealistic goal and I got an unforgettable year... I really can't believe I'm finally leaving and in some ways I wish was staying longer to work here instead of in Spain. But I know I'll be back someday for more. Always making those unrealistic life plans!

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

2009

2009-12-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Moved to SOUTH AMERICA. Taught English. Learned another language (outside of the classroom). Paragliding. Tried to surf and DID successfully stand up. Bodyboarding! (Surprising that I never had before but it's true). Multi-day hiking/camping trek.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well last year I wrote that I want 'to relax and take chances. Don't sweat the small stuff! Just shoot for being happy and enjoying what I can do and where I can go for the time being.' ... Guess I kept to that.. and will keep that for 2010 as well. :) Plus being a little better about budgeting while I am down here... Be responsible and careful with myself, more so that I have been... and find out where I want to be by the end of the adventure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Came close.

4. What countries did you visit?
Chile, Argentina!!! More to come.

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Accomplished getting balls and making it to Latin America. Still keeping on with needing self-control in most aspects of my life otherwise haha.

6. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Leaving Boston and moving to Chile. Biggest and craziest thing I've done.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Teaching English. I thought I had failed but you know, I actually think it wasn't so bad after all.

8. What was your biggest failure?
I made some fairly big mistakes... but I tend to put them behind me. And I notice that I never actually say what my failures are on this survey haha. Secrets.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Hurt my knee and ankle from hiking Torres del Paine.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane ticket to South America and the new return ticket for June, pushed back from December.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I think my friends from Mejillones are some of the best people I've met and I know we all changed a little to a lot from knowing each other... I hope they get everything they want in life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ME hahaha. Unfortunately still need to work on being more responsible.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bus tickets and hostels.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Holy crap I almost forgot that The Rescue and How It Ends was in this last year. That was a highlight of my year for sure, possibly belongs in a different question but because my memory struck now, it's going here... beause I was REALLY excited amidst that event. Making a difference really gives you a rush.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Anything by Sean Kingston... Fire Burning, Replay... Also many reggaeton songs will remind me of Mejillones forever.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
feeling accomplished. Finally pushed myself out in the world. And I did do a lot last year that I am remembering now...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
READING.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
A certain kind of adventuring.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Hostel in Valdivia, Chile. Not much will be happening but I don't mind. Probably writing and reading... Should have saved this survey for then haha. Researching for my future plans down here.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Still no. How many years can this answer be the same... SIGH haha. All about the timing I maintain. Not about the person, its about the timing. And my time is about myself right now haha

23. Deleted because I hate it.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
LOST. Donde Esta Elisa?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
Reread Motorcycle Diaries. Love it more down here when I know what places it refers to. Havent been reading enough so not many options.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Reggaeton. Not even greatest music but I just love dancing to it here.

28. What did you want and get?
Start my Latin American adventure.

29. What did you want and not get?
Deep down I think I secretly want a boyfriend. haha. Ugh can't believe I am admitting that. Doesn't go with everything else in my life, but I wouldn't mind it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I was really excited for Harry P but pretty disappointed by the film changes. Star Trek was really freakin good. I can't remember what else I've seen.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 22... on the actual day we made Thanksgiving dinner for our families in Mejillones... then on the weekend we celebrated along with having a farewell party.

32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I had a flight voucher last year I wrote??? Don't remember... and can't think of an answer for this last year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Same old, same old.

34. What kept you sane?
New friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Yeah I think I still love Edward Cullen.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well I was most active in lobbying for the LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act, so I guess that must be it.

37. Who did you miss?
I miss everyone when I'm not with them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nacho, Octavio and Isai.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
What I wrote last year - 'Don't put things off, take advantage of everything that is in front of you. Remember what or who has brought you to where you are today, and keep setting goals and looking ahead to the future. Be happy.' .. Nice! Plus life lesson... You can meet people anywhere anytime and find common ground.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Marisa, I love you.

2009-10-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!! My turn. However I lack the ability to be concise, entonces my answers may be a little lengthy, but TOO BAD. And with that in consideration, this could also take forever.

The Proust Questionnaire
The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Oooo starting it off with a big one! While I think perfection is non-existant, my idea of happiness in general is I think anyone, ANYONE!, can achieve their own custom-made happiness despite circumstances or mala suerte (bad luck) ... They just have to create it for themselves. To quote (is that cheating?) ... ¨Change your thoughts and you change your world" - Norman Vincent Peale. Be content with yourself and you can be happy whenever you want.

2. What is your greatest fear?
I want to say things like losing loved ones (whether by death or relations fading) or bad things happening or death... but that all happens and will happen. In reality, the most important person in your life is yourself... and so my greatest fear is losing me. I hope to never lose my craving for adventure and learning more about the world, love for people and culture, passion for making a difference, and faith that anything is possible. Is this more than one answer? Still cheating.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I think I'm a great listener when it comes to sitting down and having a serious conversation, however sometimes... I am a HORRIBLE listener. I feel really bad about this. Sometimes I just get lost in my own thoughts while listening to stories that don't seem less important and I forget to actually listen. Selfish with a hint of ADD as my excuse. Sorry.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Inauthenticity.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
My mom.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
I'm not sure if I can even answer this correctly because I don't think I understand extravagance correctly... but my answer: I have a terrible internet addiction. I have an extravagant amount of profiles and pages and accounts on the internet.

7. What is your current state of mind?
Scattered per usual. Mmm to eating sweet candy, excited to play football this afternoon, hoping to see mi chileno este noche, doubting it will happen, missing friends, a little bored and a little anxious, but overall appreciating my life. Estoy contenta.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I haven´t decided still so I will return to this question later... And underrated isn´t an option but I think its hospitality.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
When it only is to relieve my burden of holding such a secret, but in reality telling the truth won't do anything except just hurt others unnecessarily.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I wish I was toned. haha Only cuz I used to be and then continuously have become more lazy. Overall appearance too, I have bad posture.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
At this moment, Joseph Kony, leader of the Lords Resistance Army in Uganda, cause of a war nearing 25 years, abuser of abducted child soldiers and sex slaves.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Hair, teeth, laugh... but I suppose more than that, humor and sense of adventure. I am so sorry that these are probably only supposed to have one answer.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Low-maintenance, ability to be completely inappropriate.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Sorry, I can't think of what I overuse in English because I don't speak it enough. The only thing I say too much in my classes is ¨sooooooo..." haha. En español: ¿por que no?, no me importa o no importa

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I have no love, only complications haha. No seriously, I can't even try to say anyone. Someday.

16. When and where were you happiest?
Tough one. I loved some parts of high school when I met people from all the local areas. I loved sophomore year of college in Boston. I love the times when all is well within a large and diverse group of friends, no drama, no problems, just good times and memories.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
Playing piano or guitar, or gymnastics. Funny thing is, I had my chance with all three and I can't do anything. Most... gymnastics because maybe I would be more active and fit and it's more fun to whip out at random.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My need to feel wanted.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Getting to South America to start this crazy adventure.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
This question seems out of place. I couldn't want to be a different person... a thing... maybe a tree. Okay yes a tree.

21. Where would you most like to live?
I can't answer this until I have been everywhere. Until then, I would most like to live on a bus, plane, train, or car while trying to find out the answer. It's true. I want to travel forever.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
A blownglass necklace from a crafts fair. Bought it myself so no big story about it, I just love it.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Not sure how to answer this one... but maybe when you lose yourself completely and forget who you are.

24. What is your favorite occupation?
I would love to be a travel writer. But even more, social activism and humanitarian work makes me happy.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
Having a crazy idea of going somewhere and then just doing it. Is that a characteristic really? Being invested, sometimes too intensely, with regard to friendships and relationships.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
Forgiveness for mistakes and acceptance of faults. Really because it's not just about trust, because you can trust strangers... but over time, I think those capabilities become more important in lasting friendships.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
I don't read nearly enough so for now the only honest answer I can give is really JK Rowling, Chuck Palahniuk, and Paulo Coehlo

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

31. What are your favorite names?

32. What is it that you most dislike?

33. What is your greatest regret?

34. How would you like to die?

35. What is your motto?
Ahora this quote: ¨In every moment we have the ability to be who we always wanted to be" EVERY moment.

Off to South America!

2009-07-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Leaving for South America tomorrow and I had to start a new blog for that adventure. I may still post here occasionally since I'm giving out the other blog link to friends, coworkers, and family... so if I ever have a need for more censored or simply rambling posts, I'll come back here since fewer read it. I tend to just write to myself so it will be strange using discretion on the new blog.

ANYWAYS - the link!

WheresWhitneyNow.wordpress.com

Updates

2009-06-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am behind on things because all I could do was try to recap The Rescue in detail and share videos haha. So now I'm giving up on details because I need to spend the next few weeks freaking out about leaving Boston and then leaving the country. But here's a quick recap:

-I came back from The Rescue for Commencement and the massive group grad party that our lovely friends Artie and Michelle planned at Game On. As sad as I was about missing the final Rescue (by Oprah), I'm glad I made it back to see everyone on the big day. Even though I already finished school in December, it was more final that weekend once we got the pictures in our caps and gowns. haha

-May... wasn't too eventful, or just too long ago for me to remember. Spent Memorial Day in Rhode Island which included delicious food and failed attempts at frisbee. I am terrible at frisbee. Let it be known.

-June... whirlwind. Went to New Jersey for Sam's welcome home/birthday party. All I can say is that I really love road trips with big groups of friends in giant vehicles that seat way too many people and blasting the music. So great. One of my coworkers threw a few of us a grad party which was so so sweet. I realize more and more that I really will miss this job. Best people to work with. Went to Martha's vineyard as chaperones, haha, and spent the day wandering, shopping, and drinking on the deck. Then the Boston Beer Marathon. I think we made it to 23 or so bars. Somehow did not blackout but there was a definitely peaking point around bar 12 where people started getting ridiculous. All in all, great time, lots of free food, spent too much money, but the day was spent with some amazing alcoholic friends. Thennnn the following weekend I went to Virginia Beach and Washington DC. I'm glad I got to visit Caitlin since I didn't get to see her very much before she left (since I was doing The Rescue), and then DC was amazing... Lobbying is actually really cool. The best part - it's really made a difference too. The LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act has increased from 13 sponsors total between the House and Senate to 78. And as with The Rescue, being surrounded by so many intelligent activists and changemakers is incredible and inspiring.

So yeah, I was so on top of planning to leave for Chile but this last month really threw me off. All of the sudden I was really distracted and now I can't even try to plan for Chile because I'm going crazy. I have a lot of things to do here in Boston and even more to put together when I have the week and a half back at home in Wisconsin.

Some days all I want to do is get out of Boston and other days I realize how sad my last days are going to be. I think it finally set in when I realized how soon my roommate is leaving the country (2 days). And I leave Boston in 2 weeks, the country in 4.5 weeks. Leaving Boston is going to be hard because I'm pretty sure I won't be coming back... except for visits. I've been here for give or take 5 years, and made some of my best friends, and that is a lot to put behind me. Granted, I hope to stay friends with most of these people. In most cases I can keep in touch with people for a very long time, but it's not often the same the other way around. But we'll see... time tends to change things.

How It Ends

2009-06-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

More to come about the How It Ends lobby days in DC, but here's the video that explains and recaps The Rescue and the Rescue Rider experience AKA when hundreds of people skipped school and work to unite for the abducted children in Uganda who are forced to be child soldiers and sex slaves.

“We don’t need more trouble, what we need is love”

2009-06-19T08:01:00.001-07:00

I have never loved Post-its more.

2009-06-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

The Rescue - Chicago

2009-06-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday April 29th. 4 days after The Rescue began. We left the generous HOPE church in Virginia and set off for Chicago. 14 hours or so of a drive I think? Lots of napping, catch phrase, MAFIA (best group travel game ever), and some documentary interviews which actually turned out pretty cool.

We rolled into Chicago late at night, so instead of waking everyone up to celebrate the last mass Rescue Riders arrival, we just snuck into the gym (I think of another church) in the south side of Chicago... where there was an insane amount of people laying one after another, cramming to fit into the room. It was something out of the Invisible Children Rough Cut.

Woke up the next morning after somehow managing to sleep through another snoring orchestra, ate some donated breakfast, met others who had come from ALL OVER the country, and waited for the unveiling of the BEST PLAN EVER.

The IC crew announced that we would go to Oprah's production offices and studios for the day. There we would SING AND DANCE. To an adapted version of U2's song PRIDE (In the Name of Love). A mini-version of American Idol and some practice of the choreography, and then we were set to go. Here's the video of us practicing in the gym:

We walked around the studios and it was so insane. The positive energy was unbelievable, there was no way Oprah could ignore us. But unfortunately, that Thursday yielded no rescue... however we gained more supporters while we were out there! Again, that was one of my favorite things about the event... We were calling out celebrities and politicians, but in doing so, we attracted the attention of SO MANY people that may never have found out about Invisible Children or Uganda otherwise.

I had to leave that night to make it back for graduation, and nearly missed my flight (which I wouldn't have been THAT sad about but my mother might've killed me)... the next morning, everyone went to Oprah's studios again, at 5am, to wait for her to show up for a taping. In Boston, I was up trying to get ready for Commencement but actually just stalking the live feed as well. It was so interesting to finally be on the other side, there were so many people online THAT early in the morning, I can't even guess how many were on at normal hours... So cool that people could still be a part of The Rescue even if they weren't out there anymore.

Anyways, in the morning they surrounded the building silently holding peace signs, and Oprah finally came out and not only was a rescuer, but she put them on the live show! I can't imagine what it must have felt like. Almost everyone there had either been out on the road or in Chicago (in the rain) for a WEEK straight.

If you have a chance, you should check out the live feed, they have some videos (a little blurry but you'll get it) of both days in Chicago.

This is where they posted updates too - http://nightof.therescue.invisiblechildren.com/

I never say epic, but this event truly was... Over 100 Rescuers in 100 cities around the world... EVERY city rescued. They didn't even come up with the Rescue Rider idea until the week before. At that time, they only had 7 cities confirmed for rescue. The idea of really holding out for every city was almost crazy, but it happened. I met incredible people that I was able to catch up with here in Boston when they got back, and who I will see again at How It Ends (www.howitends.tv) - the lobby days follow-up to The Rescue, or else some other time in the future.

Oh yeah, and The Rescue did really make a difference - a US bill was introduced a few weeks after: The LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act. Additional Senators and Representatives have been co-sponsoring the bill, and I can't wait to be in DC to help build more support.

I also just realized that in all of my excitement, I did not fully explain the reason behind The Rescue. Northern Uganda is home to Africa's longest running war, at 23 years. The rebel army, the LRA, led by Joseph Kony, have been abducting children and forcing them to serve as child soldiers. They are forced to commit horrible acts of violence on each other, their families, and villages. Resulting from the war, children have been night commuters (walking miles to sleep at night in basements or bus parks) and millions of people have been put into overcrowded and inadequate displacement camps. Peace agreements have been attempted several times, but Kony has continuously refused to sign after lengthy negotiations and has proceeded to extend the LRA's impact to other countries in the region. "According to Human Rights Watch, in December 2008 and January 2009, the LRA brutally killed more than 865 civilians and abducted at least 160 children in eastern Congo alone. Since September 2008, over 180,000 people in Congo have been displaced by LRA attacks, as well as another 60,000 in southern Sudan."

While Uganda is dealing with many problems that other third world countries face such as areas of health and education, ending this war is something that CAN happen and that will have an incredible impact on the ability for the country to rebuild itself.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching Invisible Children's films. The Rough Cut can be found somewhere on google, and other videos are posted on their website and youtube. I tihnk the great thing about Invisible Children is how successful they have been to raise awareness and encourage YOUTH to get involved. It's impressive what inspiration can do to trigger a dedicated push for change.

Quote I love:
"I believe that one person makes a difference, hundreds are a movement, and together everyone can change everything."

The Rescue Riders

2009-05-14T06:21:00.001-07:00

THE RESCUE continued:

Harrisburg
Once we were in Harrisburg, I spent some time just catching up with the others I knew from Boston about how their trip was and we packed up the leftovers from the first night of Harrisburg's event since their permit was only until 10am. Once we did that, we basically just hung around on the lawn in front of the capitol building, continuing to wait for rescue. We passed around lists of phone numbers of the senators to call so that they could come into work on Monday with full voicemail boxes. We twittered to let others know that Harrisburg was still waiting and to ask others to help contact moguls and the media. This is where I started to realize how awesome the social networking internet world is. I was constantly killing the battery on my phone because I would want to twitter, check in on what other tweets were going on for #therescue, see how many cities were left. There were about 20 cities or so left on Sunday morning surprisingly including some major ones like San Francisco, Las Vegas, Austin, and Chicago.

So basically I was supposed to head back to Boston Sunday afternoon/evening. But I didn't want to leave. What would one more day missed of work mean? I got in the car to head back, but just could not go. We literally were about to pull out when I changed my mind and decided to stay. If I had to, I could always take a bus or train back. I emailed my boss and got the OK to miss Monday's work... So at least I could hopefully be a part of Harrisburg's Rescue since I had already gotten that far.

So let's start with the fact that Harrisburg has the best people ever! This was just the start of how amazing people are. The people that were from the area shuttled us for showers, made a giant pasta dinner for us all... the local media kept coming out to support the cause... random strangers stopped by with food and to tell us to keep it up (after they heard about us on the news)...

We waited through Sunday and found out that Senator Arlen Specter had plans to speak at a press conference for Bikers Against Child Abuse on Monday morning. We stood off to the side with our RESCUE US banner, silent but strong in our numbers. The bikers actually let one of the filmmakers speak to the audience to tell them why we were there. Then Senator Specter spoke and started to head out the front door, so we raced out through the crowd to reset ourselves up on the capitol steps, in front of his car. So yes, he did end up being our rescuer. It was so different from Boston's rescue because 1. It was now Monday afternoon, 2 days after The Rescue began. and 2. The uncertainty of being a part of the waiting!! In Boston, I knew rescue was coming so that suspense wasn't really there.

Next up - Huntington, West Virginia! We had some time to get some things together aka ask the Harrisburg crew to let us borrow blankets, go to the stores to stock up on more snacks, and eat some lunch!

Richmond
Well we ended up actually going to Richmond. Turns out that between the time we planned to go to Huntington and when we actually got on the bus, Huntington was rescued! Richmond it was, and we traveled on for the afternoon getting there to the Rescue site around sundown to only 8 or 10 people. But never fear, we were soon joined by more people from DC and Philly! I was quickly learning how insanely committed so many people were to being Rescue Riders.

We spent the night at a local center and the next day (Tuesday) marched through downtown to the capitol steps. We couldn't rally or protest, so we just sat on the public lawn, waiting. Attempts to get Gavin DeGraw to be our rescuer were in the works. We wrote letters, and basically I spent a lot of time trying to figure out when I would ever be able to leave. Could I miss graduation? I wanted to. What were the twitter updates? What cities were left? We found out that we were one of the last 2 cities... It was down to Richmond and Chicago. Now more than ever did we want Rescue so that we could head to Chicago to join Rescue Riders from around the country... because it really was happening, and we were really going to take this to the end.

Amazing people pulled through again... Someone from Grand Rapids called in to order us a Qdoba taco buffet to be delivered for the 50-something of us! SO MUCH FOOD! While we were all stuffing faces, we notice 2 guys walk up and look around in clean white t-shirts, and suddenly one goes, Uhh I'm Gavin DeGraw - and we all scramble! We were expected a warning from the others on if/when Gavin would be coming but they were nowhere to be found. We all gathered around to talk to him and got the cameras rolling... He had been to Uganda recently to work on malaria issues and had been approached in Harrisburg to be a rescuer there.. When he couldn't do it then, who knew that there would be others in his next tour stop waiting!

Example #3094105 of generous people - We needed a place to spend the night. Besides all of us there, we had a caravan from Charleston, South Carolina with people from the South that had just arrived. It was too late to start heading out to Chicago and so via twitter, someone had learned about The Rescue because of the trending topic - #therescue - and hooked us up with a massive beautiful church to spend the night in... The church? HOPE. How fitting.

The next morning (Wednesday), we had another donation of bagels, cream cheese, coffee and fruit for the hmmm 80-100 of us. I've lost count. When we pulled out of the parking lot, I was just in awe... We had a coach bus, 5 15-passenger vans, 2 cars, and an SUV rolling out for a 14some hour trek to Chicago... after being out in various locations in the East Coast since Saturday.

Sorry to do this again, but Chicago will be a whole separate entry since I want to make sure I at least post this much. I'll try to get this out soon now that's been a month since The Rescue. :)

The Rescue - Boston aka Part 1

2009-05-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

It's apparently taken me 2 weeks to even try putting words to what was such an unbelievable week.

The beginning: Saturday, April 25th. Boston.

In the morning, Caitlin and I headed down to the Boston Commons to meet up with the other street team leaders, volunteers, and Invisible Children Roadies to set-up for Boston's Rescue event. The last Invisible Children event I was a part of was the Global Night Commute in 2006, and I'd been working with the Boston street team for the last month. Needless to say, I was really excited the day had finally come. The Rescue was to take place in 100 cities around the world in 10 countries - Thousands were rallying to bring peace to northern Uganda. I had no idea how much I'd be pulled into the event past Boston.

I was stationed on the March route with an arrow, directing the symbolic "abductees" to the "LRA camp." After waiting for almost 2 hours by myself (since we were spread out along the Freedom Trail), I was SO happy to finally see the massive number of people walking towards me, all holding the abduction rope. They came in waves, so when I finally made it to the Commons, I didn't realize how many people would be there waiting. We had well over 500 people spread out in the park, working on their letters and putting their abduction photos up on the mural.

Our first rescuer was a representative from Senator Kerry's office, who read a letter signed by John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, and Jim McGovern - all agreeing to put efforts towards ending the war. Later on, we had the privilege of hearing from a former child soldier, who was abducted when he was 10 years old. He shared stories of the six years he was forced to be a part of the LRA, and I think his story truly shocked everyone. But it also inspired many... reminding everyone why they were there to be a part of The Rescue. Finally, Justin Masterson of the Red Sox came to close the event and see off the Rescue Riders to their next destination - Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

So right around then, I found out that there was a car going down for the weekend with extra space. Quick decision time - "Sure, why not? Overnight car trip, back Sunday night in time for work on Monday. What's one extra day and then I can at least make it to one more city. Should be fun!" Another girl from the street team and I just got in a car with these girls we literally just met and headed down on our way to Harrisburg. We stocked up on snacks, stopped in Connecticut to pick up one more rider, got a flat tire (obviously would happen to us), luckily were able to swap cars, and then drove all through the night. We got into Harrisburg in the early morning about an hour after the other Boston van and NYC bus had arrived.

.... to be continued ....

2009-04-23T05:52:00.001-07:00

Search and Rescue from Invisible Children Europe on Vimeo.

I hate to say it...

2009-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

BUT I TOLD YOU SO. And I hate it so much more when it's to yourself hahaha. It's like hey yourself, that WAS a bad idea, but you knew that, and it you did it anyways. Haha. Yeah. The worst. You don't get even the tiniest bit of fun of being right because it was when you really didn't want to be right. Lose-Lose.

BUT ANYWAYS. I reread last week's post and well... I didn't book my flight to Chile and I didn't make an actual To-Stop list. Although I very much like the idea. I like the idea of a lot of things. In thought, there is so much that is great! In reality, less so.

Had lunch with Ana today, talked about who's leaving for where and when. It's going to be a rough summer. I'm so happy I'm leaving. I mean, as much as I am going to miss everyone, it is a million times easier to be the one leaving than the one staying. This I know. Well I say that now assuming I will love Chile and South America and will never want to come back haha. I like going places. It's how it's always been for me, and probably for a long while still. I've been in Boston for almost a year and a half straight now, had people come and go, and whew! I'm done with THAT. haha. No but really, when you're the one going somewhere new, you get caught up in things and you don't miss people as much as you would if you were the one that stayed. And I guess not THAT many people are leaving Boston, but I don't know. I just think it'll be easier to deal with all the change if I'm just in a completely new place, new experiences, new people. In some ways I deal well with change and other ways I don't. I think I need EVERYTHING to change, not just some of it. If some of it stays the same, I want all of it. This is probably a problem. Haha. But I'll wait to deal with it whenever I'm finally forced to compromise and settle. Yuck. Settling.

Well if you're not completely confused now... IN OTHER NEWS. The Rescue on Saturday is going to be incredible. The event just keeps getting bigger and bigger and I can't wait to see it out. I can't even describe how excited I am to see the results and be a part of it all again. Maybe I'll even be swayed to book a flight to DC for the lobbying in June. Probably not because I really am trying to stop these travel urges.... Travel deal alerts to California, London, Hawaii... ahhh!! Just remember that in 3 months I will be in SANTIAGO. If I book my flight soon. Whoa. Yeah it's in 3 months!!! It's amazing how much sooner 3 months away seems than 4 months away.

UGH I'm so distracted. Another thing about being right... besides hating when you tell yourself so.... When you have a gut feeling... but nothing to back it up... but you just think you KNOW... and everyone says you're crazy for making those assumptions and that you can't possibly have any reason to believe that.... so you finally give in and think that they're all right and you were wrong in what you thought.... OH BUT THEN YOU WERE RIGHT. AGAIN. Yeah those times aren't a good time either. Because you got it right but it wasn't what you wanted it to be either anyways. So yeah, it's not fun to have told everyone else so then either. LOSE-LOSE. Game over. hahaha. Why am I writing these things? I don't know. Sometimes I need to vent and I'm feeling guilty about laying it on my friends I usually vent to time and time again.

Back to the many MANY positive things going on....

+Graduation celebration with work people tomorrow
+Marathon celebration with ladies on Thursday (I suppose I should mention that some of my AMAZING friends ran the freakin BOSTON MARATHON yesterday!)
+Free BBQ and RED SOX/Yankees game on Friday.
+End of semester/year/college celebration at our place afterwards.
+The Rescue on Saturday
+Charley's on Sunday
+Monday... nothing... but maybe Mohegan?
+Graditude on Tuesday
+Booze Cruise Wednesday
+Dinner with Mom and Tom on Thursday
+COMMENCEMENT ceremony Friday
+GRAD PARTY @ Game On Friday night!!!

Wow. So much so fast. I didn't realize it until I wrote it all out. And then people leave on Saturday! Now I'm really overwhelmed.

I have to get things done tomorrow during the day because apparently it's the last chance I have until May 3rd.

Guess I better get some sleep then.

And to make up for the lame-ness of this post (I can't stop being so negative tonight!)...... these are a few of my favorite things.... so check em out.

http://www.bravenewtraveler.com
http://www.twoguysaroundtheworld.co
http://www.vagabondish.com

FACTS that I've been forgetting to do...
*Blue whales can slow their heart rate to four or five beats per minute in order to conserve oxygen during deep dives
*I can't think of anything to share about myself. I found a crayfish in the creek that ran through our yard when I was a little kid and kept it in a fishbowl. It lived for a pretty long time and I liked it. Haha. I miss the creek and big yard.

What day is it?

2009-04-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

This week is blurry. Lots of events and celebrations and what not going on.... but definitely looking forward to Senior Week and Commencement. It's weird because it's about 4 months late, but maybe after that it'll finally feel real. I really am looking forward to the big day and taking group pictures with friends and the sick grad party Artie and Michelle have so fabulously planned. It's going to be a great next few weeks. Although a few people will be leaving afterwards, and that'll start the sad goodbyes. At least some of them will be back in July, or just won't be too far away.

I will be booking my flight to Chile this weekend. I promise. That's a big deal.

I'm also making a To-Stop list. Since my To-Do lists go so well. Haha.

As a random side-note, I think some people make it really difficult to be happy for them... I should be and I want to be but they are making it really tough. Haha. Apparently I'm persistent so I really wish the other side would make it just a little bit easier. I don't think I'm asking for much.

Oh and Invisible Children still hasn't found an overnight location for The Rescue and that's probably the most frustrating thing ever. Just got a call today from a City Councilor's office saying he is trying to help us out too, but I don't know... I'm starting to give up hope, which is so unfortunate. There are over 1300 that will be at The Rescue in Boston and the city just won't allow the event to happen like it should. And they have every ability to, but are sticking to the easy no answer. Regardless of an overnight though, I think the event's going to be awesome... That 1300 people will show up is absolutely amazing and it sounds like we've got some Rescuers lined up to make an appearance... And overall in the 100 cities, this is really going to be something huge. Can't wait to see the aftermath. Maybe I'll snag a flight to DC this summer. There is so much I love about IC... how they inspire and bring people together for such a meaningful movement, they empower and value everyone involved, they have a real proven impact that is shared and celebrated, and they are always looking to do more. It's a powerful organization they've got going on.

Well and if I go to DC, I might as well take advantage of the $179 round-trip flight to Los Angeles too!!! So cheap and unbelievable. I wish I could. I'm trying to be good. We'll see. I just need to book my Chile flight already and realize that I'll have no money after that. haha.

Anyways, today's quote:
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol

Whenever you're ready.

2009-04-10T17:53:00.001-07:00

PATIENCE. I'm getting better at it. I'll wait. Much easier than giving up anyways. haha.

I finally accomplished some tasks off my to-do list this past week. I can't wait for May. Work needs to ease up so I can have the energy and time to take care of my South America to-dos. Or I just need to stop procrastinating instead of blaming it on work haha. I have plenty of time actually. I'm just the worst.

Again... I love my friends. Somehow we managed to cook an Easter dinner yesterday and had some friends over for food and wine. We played games and it was random and awesome. I'm really going to miss them when I leave Boston. I always want to leave and go somewhere new but it is so hard to leave what you've gotten used to. I'm glad we already have lots of shenanigans planned for this spring and summer. Although I already know I'll be missing the canoe trip and New Hampshire... I think this summer is going to be great. Everyone will finally all be back at the same time. And then I'll leave.

At the same time, I can't even describe how excited I am to go to Chile. I can't explain how much I look forward to traveling, meeting new people, experiencing things I would never have expected.... I can't wait. I am always torn between how much I love what I have, and craving change. I think I will be able to stay for at least a year like I've planned for.... Things tend to work out and fall into place. Whatever it's supposed to be. And maybe someday it will work out where I don't want to be on the move anymore... whenever that right time is. Obviously not yet. I wonder how I'll know... or what it'll be that changes how I feel haha.

So I went to a church on Sunday. Easter Sunday. I didn't actually go with the intention of going to church.. I went to help out with promoting and passing out flyers for Invisible Children's event and it happened to be a major church in the Boston area. Anyways, I was so moved by the service. That's abnormal for me. I don't know if it was the preacher, or the chorus (absolutely beautiful voices), or the dancers, or the other people that surrounded me... but it was amazing. I have always been intrigued by religion... Organized religion hasn't been for me but faith... faith is so much more than a name of a religion. It's inspiring. Not matter what you believe. The ability for people to have faith... have hope in their lives.... It's inspiring. And it was the most welcoming place I've been in a long time. I think that's beautiful. I don't think anyone should ever feel pressured into believing any specific story, or believe in a certain god, or think there is only one way... I just think people should figure out for themselves what they DO believe in. Everyone should believe in something. Whether its something that others believe or not. Whether it's popular or majority or not. It doesn't have to be an official religion. It doesn't have to be religious at all. But faith in family, friends, love, hope for the future, belief that life is meaningful, whatever you choose! To be that passionate... to have something that gives you hope even in the worst times... that's so important. I don't have a religion and I don't know what I believe in when it comes to gods or heaven or afterlife... but I do believe there is something greater than our every day lives, there are reasons behind what happens in our lives whether it is some kind of fate or simply that we have some subconscious rationale directing us... There's more to life than what we can understand or explain, I am sure of that. I have to believe in that.

Anyways, this week is already feeling incredibly long and it's only Monday. I hope that changes soon. More English tutoring on Wednesday. Still haven't had a chance to meet my second student. I also still need to work on my freaking Spanish! I am horrible... And I have to book my flight so so soon. But I just got an email telling me there are super cheap flights to Los Angeles... Only $179 ROUND TRIP. Ridiculous. I might go for it because I'm irresponsible... but we'll see.

That's about it. Hopefully by the next time I write, I'll have accomplished some more off my to-do list.... such a slacker! Haha.

Today's quote:
To succeed... you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.

THINGS!!

2009-04-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

Oh there's so much I forgot to mention before in my ramblings and new things worth sharing!!!

First of all, I started tutoring English at the YMCA. I have 2 students, so I meet twice a week. One is from Colombia, and she is the best! The other student I actually have yet to meet. I'm really glad I'm doing this. Good thing Sam was here to do everything before me so I can just copy her.

Also, I've been getting involved with Invisible Children again. Another thing I enjoy. I like caring. It's so easy to just get caught up in the everyday things, so it's been a while since I've mentioned their work, but now we've got THE RESCUE event coming up on April 25th. TONS of preparations left to do in a very short amount of time. It's a little overwhelming but very possible... just have to find the right people. I've been slacking since my weeks are so jam packed, but hopefully after this week I can do more. I think it's going to be an amazing turnout too. Over 1000 people!!! So amazing. 100 cities around the world. If you are the slightest bit curious, please please go to http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com ... Check out the information on the situation in Uganda, watch some of their videos, and see for yourself that the world needs to pay attention to this issue. And I think Invisible Children can lead the way...

And a little help doesn't hurt! This is very very cool and I can't wait to see what else they have up their sleeves...

And besides all the stuff for IC, other things to do before next week:
-Sullivan scholarship application
-Road Trip Nation application
-Homestay letter (sooo late)
-Teaching initiatives
-Narrowed down list of where to go after Chile
-Book July 25th flight to Santiago
-Figure out how to cancel / suspend my phone

GREAT quote:
In every moment we have the ability to be who we always wanted to be.

Hello April

2009-04-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'd say "Hello Spring" if it were nice out but IT'S NOT. Today was freezing and horrible. I tried to pretend it was as nice as the last few days and wore a fleece and flip flops... I nearly died. BUT it's a Saturday night and I am so proud of myself for being at my apartment! Yay for saving money and my dignity. haha. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, not sure where it's been coming from, but it's nice. Sometimes I have really great a-ha moments, that I wish I'd be able to write down because I can't remember them when I finally take the time to write.

But anyways, the random flow of thoughts going on right now....

I went to the travel clinic on Thursday morning and am now one step closer to being ready for South America. Immunizations for yellow fever, typhoid, tetanus, and hepatitis A... and prescriptions for antibiotics and altitude sickness.... and lots of paperwork. Once I finally remember to submit my timesheets on time so I can get paid, I'm going to figure out my flight to Santiago. Already set to leave Boston on July 15th... Wisconsin until July 25th. The day I bought that one-way ticket to Milwaukee was really tough. Not that I haven't left before, but never quite like this. I have no idea when I'll be back. I've said it before... and I don't doubt that I'll be here for a visit and keep in touch and see people again, but it's just an overwhelming feeling. When you leave an entire part of your life, what has been your life for five years. And that's even with a few breaks in between when I lived in Chicago and LA.

It's weird how you can split up chunks of your life into segments. Not necessarily by time itself, but by who you are in each segment. Who I've been. In high school. At Camp Eagle Ridge. At Northeastern in Boston. In Wisconsin as a partial visitor/returning resident. In Chicago. In Los Angeles. While I'd like to say that all of this has brought me to where I am today, I'm not sure if that is quite right. My life... these lives... are completely different, not just because I've gotten older, but because of my environment, because of the people I spent my time with. It's so interesting. A little painful to think about how it's not the same when I go back to these places. Even without meaning to, you want to pick up where you left off, and that's just not possible.

Sam has said that she's a different person since being in Vietnam. We were able to pick things up when we went to visit and I have no doubt she will be perfectly fine when she comes back to Boston. But it is something else... Who knows what I'll be like once I'm down in South America. Who I'll be when I come back. Or where I'll even decide to come back to. I'm going to be starting a whole new "chapter" of my life, as cliche as that is. Am I ready for it? Am I really ready to leave this all behind? It's so hard to leave when you've got something so good going on. But that's kind of what I do. Always on the go, looking for the next place to go, trying to push my limits. I probably have some issue with fear of settling, but hey, for now why assume I should be settling?

I forget how easily it is to just get caught up in everything... Not that "everything" hasn't been wonderful. I love my friends and all of the ridiculous shenanigans, but I appreciate how I'm the crazy type that thinks about the bigger picture. Everything is going to change, so soon, and I'm really looking forward to it. Sometimes I feel pretty anxious, and nervous, but I just have to remind myself that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I have no doubt that every single person is going to make it out okay... in their own way. It might not be what we expect, or what they had planned for, but I can't wait to see the end results.

If I think about where I was at before going to college, I don't know if I could have predicted myself where I am now, having experienced all that I have and met such amazing and inspiring people. But then again, I don't think it's a coincidence that I've surrounded myself by these kinds of friends. Maybe I do believe in the law of attraction, "the secret," a little. Can't wait to see what else will come my way.

Well that was all over the place and I could keep rambling but I think I'll go to bed before I confuse myself anymore. I'm obviously crazy. haha. I can't tell what I'm feeling or what I want anymore because I just jump back and forth all the time. I definitely think working at the meditation center I found would be a fantastic stop on my travel adventure.

2009-03-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

"Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living" - Miriam Beard

A Softer World

2009-03-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

A Softer World - Excellent website. So perfect today. I want a secret admirer. I want to write notes to strangers. I might start. International Stalker Day would be far too enjoyable for me.

Just got informed of passiveaggressivenotes.com too. HA!

There are only 5 weeks until Commencement. It shouldn't feel so crazy since I'm already done with school, but I think maybe then it will finally feel real. And then when more people start to move away. I will be such a mess. At least I know it. It is unreal how different everything is going to be in a little over a month. Oh also exactly 4 months from today I will be in Santiago.

So I'm starting to get in touch with a few people I haven't talked to in a year or so... Is that strange? I really wouldn't mind if someone did that to me but I guess "normal" people just move on with their lives. I just really like so many people I've met at different times in places all over... I love reconnecting. I guess that's weird. But it's what I do. As much as I keep in touch with some people, I really am terrible with others, so I'm going to work on that. Because I do care and would love to see any of them again, even if it won't be until 5 years from now. I love running into random people from your past that you thought you'd never see again. I think I really enjoy seeing how they've changed and what they've done with their lives... and then realizing how you've changed to them too.

Maybe that's another reason I've loved Livejournal and now have this blog... As much as I cringe at things I've written, I like remembering where I've come from and noticing how I've changed, for better or worse, and realizing what will seemingly never change. For example, I forgot that before college I made a Plan B to go backpacking if I didn't get into a school I was interested in. Then the summer after freshmen year, I made a list of all the countries in the world (only I would do such a thing) and planned out how much time it would take to go to them all... thinking over how long I'd want to spend in certain areas and how long it would take to save up money in between trips. If that wasn't reassuring that I'm setting off on a path of doing what I've always wanted to do, I don't know what is.

Tuesday TMI

2009-03-24T12:32:00.001-07:00

But when isn't a blog TMI?? Blogging and Twittering.. Really just talking to myself. :)

Anyways, I can't remember if I passed this on here before, but I love love love this quote:

"Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Do I need to explain why? No.

In other fun news of things going on in my life...

I'm determined to finally finish everything I'm supposed to be preparing for Chile by the end of next week. I really have no reason to have put it off this long besides that I just have... I found some good places that I might be able to work in Peru, Argentina and Ecuador and now am going to narrow it down. Brazil I'm thinking I won't spend much time there since the language is Portuguese and I only can see myself improving my Spanish. BUT since Simon will be in Brazil, I have a great excuse to go there and spend some time with someone else that knows what they are doing and can understand.

I'm getting a second job here in Boston until I leave. Or I'm going to try. I need to. Between rent and my horrible budgeting skills and the fact that taxes MURDERED me this year, I really need to. So very soon I shall have almost no life since a 2nd job means good-bye to most nights and weekends.

I am signed up for way too many travel sites and can't stop getting info on really really great travel deals and cheap flights... and it's really making me antsy to go somewhere. Not like I haven't and not like I'm not going anywhere soon anyways, but I just want to go anywhere soon. I want to wander around San Francisco again, I miss Chicago and the L and the parks, I don't want to miss Summerfest this year just because, I wouldn't mind visiting friends in Colorado or Texas, I want to finally see Portland and Seattle, I'm jealous of the people road-tripping across the U.S. this summer, and hello - who wouldn't want to go to Australia when the round-trip tickets are around only $700-800?? Sigh.

I wonder if I'm ever going to settle or want to stay in one place. Very very doubtful. I wish there weren't so many people I know getting involved in serious relationships, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids... maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about how I can't imagine that happening in my life for a very long time? Maybe someday.. It's just hard for me to believe that so many people already know what they want, who they want to spend their lives with, and want the dreadful "settling." There's so much I want to do before I'm tied down by so many committments. I want to be able to be spontaneous and pick up and go when I get the sudden inspiration. Unless I really find someone just as crazy as me (doubtful because I'm a freak), most likely I will want and have this kind of freedom in my life only now and then not until I'm really really old. And I've already decided that when I'm an old lady, that's when I might try to be an actress haha. I just think it'd be so fun at that point in life... Maybe by then they'll do some remakes of Golden Girls or something.

But at the same time as I'm saying this all... I've also read the rest of the Twilight book series and besides confirming that I'm a huge nerd, I realized ... or so I think... the other problem is that I'm going to have high expectations of love and relationships whenever I'm finally accept that I do want it eventually at some point down the road. Which is probably why I say "eventually" and "down the road"... there is no way it will be anytime soon. Twilight really has nothing to do with this realization except that it is completely cheesy (which is what I love about it), and no I will not be wanting a vampire husband (although Robert Pattinson is so good looking - I'm sorry, but he is), but I just have to admit that deep down I'm a hopeless romantic that wants to believe in soulmates and "the one"... and it's totally lame and sucks haha and I've tried to not think like that, but I can't help it. I blame the trashy TV and movies I've seen and the books I've read. Like Twilight. Terrible.

I guess that takes care of the info you don't really want to know about me, and now for the fun random information... dolphins are AWESOME and I wish I could be as cool.

Oh and Playing for Change is such a great idea... and yet another example of things I've thought of to do with my life and then have found out it's already been done haha. (Road Trip Nation, The Buried Life, and now this)

Not much

2009-03-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

Looking into plans for Peru, Brazil, Ecuador, and Argentina now that I have Chile confirmed! So fun. Also found out I will have insurance! And said insurance will also cover my vaccinations! All great news. Going to the travel clinic on April 2nd. Faaabulous.

THREE facts because I can't stop hearing about them!

Most elephants weigh LESS than the TONGUE of the blue whale
There is a superman in every episode of Seinfeld
A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue

Just found out one of my friends is living in Brazil and plans to travel throughout South America for 5 years. I'm gonna check out his travel plans and see how long I can join him!! Love life.

Also, it's nearing St. Patrick's Day which means Boston will be full of debauchery this weekend.

Oh too many distractions, I can't remember what I was going to write about in the first place so I'm giving up.

VIETNAM

2009-03-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's funny because I really need to write this post, but I've been putting it off because 1.) I'm really behind on my work and 2.) I don't know where to begin. But what convinced me to sit down and take the time to write was that I found a great random fact to share. I also realized I forgot the fun facts with my last post, so I will begin with them this time.

About anything:
Pandas spend 98% of their time either sleeping or eating, leaving 2% for "wondering and enjoying." Thanks Ben Casnocha.

About me:
I have this insanely impossible goal of traveling everywhere in the world. For the sake of being "realistic", I'm aiming for at least 1/2 of the countries in world (but really I still want to go everywhere). Now that I am definitely going to Chile, I hope to have at least visited most of the countries in South America by the end of 2010.

I suppose I should officially announce that YES, I AM GOING TO CHILE!!!! July 25th I will be in Santiago, then continue north to wherever I will be living for 4 months. Best news ever to start of my trip to Vietnam.

Okay. Now the overly-detailed-because-I-want-to-remember-everything story telling of my 9 days in Vietnam begins...

After about a 25 hour trip (which is way too long to be packed in the economy 3 seats sections of United airplanes) we arrive in HCMC around 10pm and meet up with Sam, the only white girl in the crowd outside the airport. We head over to the motorbike taxi area and hop on the back of 2 of them. At some point amidst the bartering and putting on our helmets and getting in the bikes, I lost my wallet. Thankfully I had my passport separate, took out all of the other cards I didn't think I'd need in Vietnam before I left, and had extra cash stashed in my backpack. However I did lose my credit and debit cards, license, school IDs, and $100 in US cash and another $100 I had just exchanged into Vietnamese dong. Rough start.

But anyways, the motorbikes were a great start to being in Vietnam. We went through some sketchy alleys, taking back routes to the tourist district where Sam had found us a hotel. And by hotel, I really mean a room in a house above where a family lives. We would knock, they'd open the gated door, we'd climb over the sleeping family and baby, and head upstairs to our room. Our room was pretty decent, 2 beds and a bathroom. The bathroom was quite interesting... There is not a separate shower stall or tub... It's a showerhead coming out of the wall in between the toilet and the sink. And the drain is in the floor. It really makes a lot of sense. First night we went out for a little while and got some food and drinks and met some random Australians backpacking through the area. This was one of my favorite things about being in HCMC... meeting the random people from all over that were traveling through the area.

We spent the next few days in HCMC checking out the food, learning how to barter prices down, riding more motorbike taxis, and checking out the "bar" scenes. We also met up with one of Sam's friends Wilson and he showed us around another area of the district after we sat in a park drinking coconut juice (so good!). It was a park that was really just a large area of grass and tons of people sitting around in groups drinking either coconut juice or coffee. But I suppose that is what a park is. We walked around the area and saw some tourist sites that I can't actually remember and mostly just talked and tried to learn some Vietnamese words. This was when we were first realizing how little changes in pronunciation can mean such different words. Similar words include: Hot/Full. Trees/Dog meat. Grilled/Horny.

Our last night there, we went all out - met up with a former student and other friends of Sam and had Vietnamese spring rolls and had some drinks. We spent the entire time learning languages. We worked on our Vietnamese and then taught them some Spanish and French. Anyone eavesdropping on our conversation would've heard repetitive counting of 1 through 10 in 4 languages. Haha. Then we went to a few other bars, which obviously included DANCING! Lots of hilarious moments throughout the night. Then we were off on a 4 hour busride to Can Tho, Sam's real home! I slept for part of the trip, but the part I was awake for was definitely interesting. It was a little more of what I had expected to see of shack houses on the side of the road with tarp coverings... but it was good to see the small coffee shops or food stands on the side of the road that were making it by with their little businesses.

Sam's house in Can Tho was so great. Best part by far were the 3 hammocks in the living room. We spent way too much time in those haha. During the day, we spent a lot of time biking around Can Tho, trying out more foods, and meeting friends, students, and other teachers. We went to the floating market at 6:30am and saw boatloads of coconuts going by, and tons of other boats selling lots of fruits and foods. I've never eaten so much so early... Literally a meal and a half at least by 8am. We also got a tour of a fruit garden, which turned out to be a little adventure because we basically were led through brush, walked around mud piles, got barked at by crazy dogs, and balanced our way across a little log.

I really liked that we were able to go to four of her classes too. We played games and taught some of the classes the Hokey Pokey! Some of the noteworthy sentences written when we played the games: "Dan and Dan's dad did the desk while David was doing the door." ... and I can't remember the other one fully, but the letter was O and the sentence included something about getting oval oranges from the fridge to have an orgy with their friends. Yes, I did have to read those sentences outloud to the class. Hilarious and fully inappropriate. I should mention that apparently they may have written orgy because they think it means orange juice. I really am looking forward to having classes of my own now. I didn't even think I'd be interested in teaching English, I thought I'd rather be doing some other kind of volunteer work... but look at me now, I can't wait!

What else, we basically just adventured throughout Can Tho. Attempted to go kite-flying but lost Nikki and Sam who were biking, while Sam's friend Thao took me on the back of a motorbike. Don't know how it was possible but we lost and could not find two white girls. After about an hour of cruising all over the city, we gave up and found them at home. But I did have a blast on the motorbike! We also went out to the random bar/club that seems to combine every theme of entertainment from a dance floor, bar, billiards, oh and a MECHANICAL BULL. Yes indeed, we rode a mechanical bull in Vietnam. Then since we returned home at too late of an hour, we had to scale the spiked gate in front of Sam's living community. That was interesting as well.

Finally, on the trip back to HCMC, the van "bus" that Nik and I took broke down on the ferry and we were stranded around non-English speakers which was interesting... Felt completely useless. Eventually we made it to HCMC, met up with Sam's roommate in the tourist district and had some drinks and food with her friends. And of course, right before we left for the airport, we met some more travellers from Europe. It really is such a nice reminder that YES it is possible to take time off for travel and that there are plenty of friendly people out there to run into on the way.

Almost got stuck in San Francisco on the way back to Boston. Apparently there was a security breach between where we ate lunch and where our flight's gate was located. While we were assured no one was getting through anywhere, apparently everyone else did and our plane left without us. Luckily we got on a stand-by flight 2 hours later. If we had not, we would've been wandering San Fran for the day since the flight after that wasn't for another 8 hours at 10pm.

I know I'm missing out on saying a lot because I don't know how to describe what I saw and how it felt being there. A few random tidbits that didn't end up in the story:

Some/many of the public restrooms are just a room with a drain in the floor and a bucket of water to rinse.
I trust getting drinks from random Asians more so than I would here in the U.S. There is no rationale for this. Basically they just were really friendly and kept handing me bottles of beer and got really excited when I would drink them. Great line when Sam took the bottle from me... me-"It could be drugged!" Sam-"Well if you're getting drugged, then I'm getting drugged too!!"
Most of the people wear longsleeves, pants, stockings, hats, and facemasks to seal themselves from the sun and maybe pollution too.
Everyone loves white people. As for Koreans, they just look at me and are very confused... "You're not from around here... but you're not white.... WTF?"
They also like to show off their English skills. Nikki had a motorbike of two people pull up next to her and say "Hello! Thank you! Hello! Thank you!" over and over for a good 5-10 minutes.
It backfired when I showed off my Vietnamese language skills. I ordered 2 iced coffees with milk. But then Nikki wanted a napkin and he wasn't understanding and just kept looking at me to translate. I could not.
There are geckos all over the walls in the house, restaurants, classrooms.
I got punched by a disabled man trying to sell me lottery tickets.
I love sleeping in a mosquito net.
When in need of comfort food, do not fear... because Vietnam has KFC. Just double your order because their portions are moderately sized... much smaller than what we're used to in the States.

I love Vietnam. I want to go back again someday. And I want to go to Thailand for sure too. And everywhere else of course.

Well that's all I can think of for now. My upcoming blogs will likely be about my crazy plans for Chile and South America! I am sooooooooo pumped. Now that I have a starting point, I can't wait to come up with all of my other adventures. Gotta save up the $$$ now though, just applied for a couple extra jobs today. Definitely am gonna need it!! But between meeting the random backpackers in Vietnam, reading Delaying the Real World, joining a bunch of groups on CouchSurfing.com, and finding some random travel funding websites... there is no doubt in my mind that you can make anything possible if you really want it. Gap Year? I'm going for a Gap Decade I think.

Today is a big day.

2009-02-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON I'M EITHER GOING TO CRY OR THROW UP.

Okay not really, but I've been really emotional lately. Like in a really cheesy way. I was walking home the other night and the sun was setting over RUGGLES (yes) and I thought to myself ... I LOVE BOSTON. I love being so comfortable in a city (even though there are so many parts of it I have yet to explore) and I love having so many people I know and love everywhere around me. I love being able to stop over at a friend's place on the walk home from work. I love that my friends can stop in to see me while I'm at work. I don't know, I think I'm realizing that it's going to be a lot harder for me to leave. I know it's what I want, but the difference between when I've left before is that I don't know when I'll be back and I don't know what I'll be coming back to. Things have more or less been the same when I've come and gone before. But after May, who knows who will be staying, where people will be going.... It's overwhelming and there are too many people I will miss so much that it hurts. I've made some of my best friends these last five years, and maybe people always say that, but I'm pretty confident that I have. And I know I can keep in touch with people, but it's always the reverse that makes me nervous. I've been able to stay close with friends from home that I only see once every year or two, but not everyone is cut out for that.

Anyways... the other things that are making me nauseous are that Nikki and I are going to Vietnam tomorrow. It's unreal. I am more than excited and have no idea what to expect. I can't wait to see Sam and I think it will help me with the aforementioned feelings because she is doing what I hope to be doing.... only in Asia instead of Latin America. I hope it will confirm that I've been heading in the right direction with my plans, as scary at it is to leave everything else behind.

So to my main issue - I interview for the teaching program in Chile tonight. It's a phone interview with someone from the organization who I've spoken to casually on the phone before, and have also emailed, so I haven't been too nervous until today. Today I am apparently freaking out. I have been so sure that this is what I want to do, but now I'm so nervous that it won't happen. What if they don't accept me? And what if they do? Then it will be 100% certain that I will be leaving Boston, that I will be living in Chile for 4 months.... On the upside, then I can start looking into plans for after Chile, since I want to travel around South America for a few months afterwards and check out some other areas / do volunteer work in other countries.

I don't know. It's weird when what you want to happen actually happens. I feel like it catches me more off guard than the disappointments.

Wish me luck, I'll update after Vietnam.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry!

2009-02-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

I could not be in more need of a 10 day escape from the country!!! Good thing that's happening so soon. I'm completely burnt out.... and I can't wait to spend time with Sam and Nik roaming Vietnam!!! I mean really, when else would something like this happen in my life? Gotta love it. I was dreaming about the ridiculously long flights last night though and that will still be torture... Good thing I have lots of books on my To Read list. Marg better be done with Eclipse so I can continue my unhealthy obsession.

Oscars last night were interesting. I liked the presentation style, but I could've gone without those musical breaks though. Definitely need to see The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire. I wanted to anyways but I'm lazyyyyyy. Maybe I'll get some motivation. Vicky Cristina Barcelona too. And Wall-E. Really glad Milk got some great recognition, definitely deserved.

I'm really looking forward to the spring. Maybe I will not be so lazy and get out to do all the things I want to do... i.e. go to the Arboretum, Astronomy Observatory, Farmers market, free wine tasting events, Sam Adams brewery tour... Thank you Sex Week magazine for reminding me of such things, although mine most likely will not be for dates haha.

Speaking of dates, why do I always get calls from the people I don't want to hear from, but never from the ones that I do? A little advice: Don't call people at 8am on Sunday mornings telling them you've been up all night thinking about them. It's creepy. I guess kind of funny as long as they don't know where you live. Then again, I'm a creep too sometimes I guess... FML.

Oh and I caved and returned to Facebook. I lasted almost 2 weeks. Not bad.

Things as I've promised...
*I don't like spiders and millipedes. Spiders, I don't know why but I had a repeating nightmare about them when I was little and millipedes are too spiney with too many legs. Gross.

*Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I found this online... Can it really be true? If it is, that's SO FUNNY!!!)

Android

2009-02-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

Android applications on the google phone are SUPER fun. Nik and I both spent like an hour going through them last night haha. Anyways, I got a daily horoscope one and it tells me that the main characteristics of my sign (Scorpio) are:

Scorpios stubbornly cling to emotional attachments. They rarely forget or forgive emotional rejection. They have to learn that jealousy and possessiveness are self-defeating. Rechanneling negative feelings and experiences into constructive activity benefits others, as well as themselves. No other sign has the emotional strength of Scorpio.

I'm done for!

Well I just got distracted again by the Android applications.... so now I'm braindead with nothing to say.

However I DO leave for Vietnam in a week, and my Chile application is FINALLY in the mail!!! That's the only news I really have.

Fact: I had a dream that I yelled at someone and it really made me feel better, like I got it off my chest, even though it didn't really happen. It's the thought that counts? I can't wait to be able to forget about people. Although apparently my Scorpio-ness says I cant. Let's also hope that the dreams about being pregnant, getting attacked by squirrels, baby kittens falling out of a leg tumor, and getting mauled by an old hideous woman DON'T come true.

Fact: 1% of the Earth's core is gold. That doesn't sound like much, but the core is so vast that the 1% which is gold could cover all the Earth's land (not ocean) knee-deep.

LET'S START DIGGING!

You are the best thing.....

2009-02-16T03:54:00.000-08:00

Ray LaMontagne is so great.

It's about 7:00 and I don't have to be at work until 10:00 today but apparently can't sleep. Ironman was a success, everyone was completely useless after an hour. Although I think it's safe to say that my friends are one-of-a-kind, because who else would hold such a competition?

Wrestling match that ensued later on in the night... The video doesn't show it, but I did pretty well for myself, I hit him with the pizza box a lot.... including in the eye haha. And the fight ended with me slapping him in the face/eye with a slice of pizza. HA!

I'm going to put my application in the mail tomorrow morning. I was missing a part on Friday, and since today is a holiday, the post office isn't open. But tomorrow. Yes.

I definitely don't think I'm paying off my credit card bill this month. Yikes. I've got to get better at this money saving thing. I probably should sell my guitar. I don't even think the new strings have been put on it still. By new, I really mean the ones I bought last winter. I suppose if I actually started playing though, that could be something to put down on my list of hobbies that I'm struggling to come up with.

I'm really enjoying the lack of Facebook. I'm impressed that I haven't given up yet. I almost think I should leave it gone for longer.

I also read 2 books from the Twilight series last week. So I'm almost at my 2 books a month point, including making up for January the slow month. haha. Since Marg isn't done with book #3 yet, I'm going to move on to Dry. I probably should finish What is the What too.

This wasn't much of a post, just a time-killer.

*Fact: Sometimes I do agree that everything happens for a reason. The thing is, it doesn't specify whether it's a good or bad reason. But there's probably usually some kind of reason.

*Fact: A mole can dig a hole 300 feet deep in one night.

Happy early Valentine's Day!

2009-02-13T05:31:00.000-08:00

5 Ways to Be Happy in a Recession

Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise and nutrition.
Become more charitable.
Spend more time and money on enjoyable activities.
Invest in relationships.
Focus on what you're grateful for.

#5 said to write down 5 things I'm thankful for...

Despite not making use of my music industry degree, I would never change that I came here to Northeastern and to Boston. I've met some absolutely amazing individuals.
I love my job and the people I work with.
My mom has always been supportive of me. Even when she disagrees completely with me, she eventually comes around. I am so lucky for that.
I have great excuses to travel to a lot of other states and countries, and those excuses are some awesome friends.
I'm not fit, but I'm reasonably in good health.

Also like going through this.... Smart Money Saving Tips.

That is all. I can't seem to finish my application for Teach Chile. Stuck on one question... but almost there. I think I'll be able to finally send it tomorrow? I hope. My plan was last week haha, so I'm just a little behind.

Goodies:
* I went to choir camps for 3 years in elementary school, then switched over to my brother's summer outdoor/leadership camp for 5 years through middle school and high school. I always wanted to be a camp counselor but it never ended up working out. And now I don't know if I'd had a chance to do it again since I'm so out of touch, which is kind of a bummer. I also don't sing anymore, which is also a bummer. But on a happier note, summer camp is something everyone should experience if they find the one that is right for them.

* The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Okay so I was really impressed by that hahaha)

And here we go.

2009-02-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

From The Happiness Project "Happiness Manifesto" ... A few points I especially appreciated.

• To be happy, you need to consider feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, and an atmosphere of growth.

I think this is why I am also on the move. I always need CHANGE.

• One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

I have said so many times, for a very long time, that you can't expect to make anyone else happy if you aren't happy with yourself. How can you like being with someone if you don't first like being alone? These are things that reassure me that it's okay to be alone hahaha. And then I tell myself I am happy with myself and I do like being alone. Until moments like on Friday night, when I said "I'm going to be alone FOREVERRRRRR." I know I was just being crazy, but sometimes I do think that. I mean it's not far-fetched, some people ARE alone forever haha. I mean, I guess I wouldn't choose it if I didn't have to, but I suppose I'd make it out okay. Who's to say that's not the better deal? I really do think I'm better off than the ones who always HAVE to be in a relationship at least. And I listened to stories about childbirth yesterday and it kind of made me nauseous.... haha. I'll just get lots of cats and dogs.

• Happiness comes not from having more, not from having less, but from wanting what you have.

This is new to me, and I think makes a lot of sense. I'll have to remind myself of this.

• You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.

I like to travel and go new places and I'm going to!!! I'm almost done with my application for Teach Chile. The one I said I'd finish 2 weeks ago. Waiting on one more recommendation letter, then writing a cover letter, and that's it! Exciting. And Vietnam is in 2.5 weeks. THAT IS SO SOON!!!

Just procrastinating... I suppose I'll finish the application right now instead of blogging. But The Happiness Project is pretty cool and worth mentioning...

Random facts:
*I just deactivated my Facebook. I hate the event invites, the groups, the newsfeed, and the ease of which to stalk others. I need a break for a while.
*Chickens can run up to 9 mph

I love the unknown.

2009-02-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

I love surprises, I love not knowing what's coming next, I love discovering the new, and i love not having expectations. I do.

The flight to Vietnam has been booked. I feel like that didn't really happen, but it did. I couldn't be more excited. Sometimes I feel like I must be completely insane, so I try to bring myself back down to earth, and I still end up thinking and feeling the same way. Either that means I really am insane, or I really am on the right track, the right one for me at least.

I think I'm getting better at accepting things. I used to be more frustrated when things weren't quite what I'd prefer... but I'm learning more and more that its the disagreeable moments that really change you. It's almost as if there really aren't mistakes and you're never wrong... because if that's what it was, then it was right. If it wasn't right, it wouldn't have happened. That's a big circle of nonsense but it makes sense to me haha. Basically all I'm saying is that if things don't work out, they weren't supposed to anyways, so it's not even that they didn't work out... it's that things worked out the way that they should have... sometimes it's only differently than expected. Which is why I am going to embrace the unknown, surprises, and keep the expectations at zero.

I think I want to try to be an au pair after South America. Somewhere in Europe. I don't know why I'm thinking about this now, because I don't even fully have plans together for South America... but oh well. I just don't think I have a place I want to come back to here yet. That always changes once you leave, but I've left Boston... and I've come back... and I think I'm ready to leave and not come back. Not forever, I will obviously plan on visiting friends and everything, but I've come and gone enough where I know it's not where I'd rather stay in the long run. I don't know if there is such a place.

Anyways, I'm a dreamer and a crazy one at that. And I don't care one bit. I am what I am....

Here's what my online tarot readings told me today:

As difficult as the choice may be to confront your fears and step away from your comfort zone, the change could be an inevitable step toward finding personal truth and creating happiness. Otherwise you could get lost in excuses, denial or wishful thinking, or rely on outside sources for distractions, security and pleasure. If you make changes willingly, this experience could find you prioritizing. Afterward, you'll be stronger and wiser. Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I have value and I matter. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world.

New about me - I only had 1 crush in elementary school and in third grade, this girl told him that I said I would only play house if I was the mom and he was the dad. He was creeped out and I hated her forever. I moved away in 6th grade anyways haha.

Random - In one day, a full grown redwood tree expels more than 2 tons of water through its leaves.

I have nothing else to say.

2009-02-04T05:16:00.000-08:00

I have to finish this application this week. I have to! I'm such a procrastinator. I'm going to finish the essays today, then Mark is going to help me with my spanish letter this weekend. Let's get it done!!! One recommendation letter down, one to go. Sending in the paperwork for my Vietnam visa today also.

I made a Youtube page so I can watch my favorite videos over and over and over. I wish I could be a music video producer. I love music videos.

I'd like to point out that I really am glad I took my Eastern Religions class.

Fun tidbit about me: When I used to ride my bike to get around in high school, I was cutting through a shortcut behind a little hotel/ski "resort" in my town. It was a little narrow path that was beaten down so that bike wheels only fit into a very exact line. It was between trees going downhill. I was biking through on my way from tennis practice, and I didn't follow it precisely enough, so my bike wobbled down, my tennis racket that was on my back got caught in the tree branches, and there I was tangled in the tree, my bike a few feet in front of me, and kind of in some pain. But it was funny at least.

Random: Not a single fatal U.S. airline accident occurred in the 2002 calendar year.

Anyways, I really have nothing else to say, so I guess I'll just keep quoting Paulo Coehlo's blog....

Those who seek their dream undergo difficult moments, but are happy with what they do. The occasional confusion and mistakes have nothing to do with their inability, and they are capable of smiling when they make a mistake - because they know that they will be able to correct that mistake further ahead.

Those who seek their dream have the unique ability to make people around them realize that it is worthwhile following their example and doing the same thing. That is why they will never feel alone, even if from time to time they feel misunderstood.

2009-02-03T05:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Paulo Coelho,
How were you dealing with the times that you strongly wanted to follow a dream, but in the same time, you have to deal with a more important priority, like education, work or family? How can you tame that wild child inside that needs to be pleased?

Dear Ghaida,
I’m afraid I can’t really help you with this question because I never refused the “wild child” within.
Those who truly love you will encourage you to follow your dream and let this tremendous amount of enthusiasm and energy manifest itself.

============================

I am not Ghaida, but THANK YOU!

Almost forgot to include the random facts:

Me - I want to run a marathon someday. Even though I don't really like running. I still want to eventually like it.

Anything - Though the U.S. only makes up 5% of the world’s population, we house nearly 25% of the world’s prison population.

It's 4:00am....

2009-02-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! So I'm going to write.

I really really love and appreciate the 25 Things notes going around on Facebook. I do because especially now, and almost through most of college, we spend a lot of time having a good time and making new memories.... which is GREAT, but we spend less time finding out about the past, and getting to know more about those quirks. I totally want to re-do my 25 things because I had I really tough time coming up with 25 things but now I can think of so much more I would've preferred to share. SO, I'm going to share a random fact in every blog. AND I tried to search for a random fact (smart fact) blog so I could learn something new every day, kind of like a Snapple lid, but failed, so I guess I will try to find something new, and I can post that too.

But sorry, you have to wait till the end of the post for those fun facts because I am going to have to write more because I still can't sleep.

My phone broke over the weekend. Lesson learned - I shouldn't have nice things. I was nervous when I bought it and rightly so. Still works, screen shattered, no insurance, REALLY bummed... Always happens. This lovely new Macbook better last though. Anyways, I almost forgot why I was telling that story, but basically I've spent money on stupid gadgets that may or may not break or be stolen, and I almost wasn't going to try to go to Vietnam anymore because of it... because the cost of getting a new phone is so high, about a 1/3 of going to Vietnam and so I needed to really save up my pennies. (I should probably mention that sometimes I believe in signs because I like to believe that my decisions aren't fully up to me and that things happen because they have to and the universe said so.) But then I decided I still should go because if anything, that shows that buying objects sucks because they can break and I'd much rather spend my money on experiences that can't be broken. So Sam if you are reading this, although I don't know why I bother saying "if" because I know you are, unless prices skyrocket by the time Nikki and I purchase our tickets, YES I am coming still. And I figured out how to get a Visa.

Also, I love my job. I love the people I work with and I love being able to stay in Boston and play the game of being part-student and part-real-world-working-girl until everyone else finishes school and graduates in May. Sometimes I really wish I wanted to stay in Boston and wanted to keep this job. Because I would, no doubt about that. Unfortunately, I have about 200 other plans on my to-do list. I went to the Beanpot tonight (first time ever) with my boss and co-workers, and a bunch of other people obviously, and I don't know, they are just great. I love that I get to be a part of things like this (also got to go to my first Red Sox game and first visit to the Cape last summer). I can only hope I can find another fun and comfortable work environment when I'm ready to stick to a single one.

I got Twitter but I'm really not good at using it. Marisa, please tell me your secrets. I would think I'd be good at it because I'm ALWAYS online, but I'm not.

I want more things for Google Reader. I also bookmarked Astronomy Picture of the Day which is great, but sometimes I forget to look. Is there a way to make this part of Google Reader? Or are there other things I should bookmark that I also can't put on Google Reader? I like things. I like learning. I'm going to do that (learn) instead of being hooked on the Bubble Spinner game which is addicting but it's an awful game and I'm not even any good at it so I don't know why I can't stop playing.

My new years resolutions are failing. I just wanted to point out that I realize this. I can't stop smoking. I mean I did. But then I either drink on weekends and want to, or I just am in a bad mood, stressed, trying to make difficult decisions, or trying to reassure myself that my decisions are the right ones, and apparently smoking is my comfort habit for those reasons. I will keep trying, hence writing and reminding myself. I also can't go to the gym because they won't let me in unless I pay an expensive (although I hear comparatively it is cheaper than other gyms) membership fee. I just don't want to spend my money on that. Again, Vietnam or gym? Vietnam. But I am doing yoga once a week on Tuesdays. And I'm attempting to do meditation once a week. Thank you Sacred Space. I'm also trying to do something non-exercise but ACTIVE once a week. Like ice skating. Did that one time. Hiatus and closed doors failed MISERABLY. Those are probably the worst failures because I really want those to succeed. We'll see. If anything, I'll be fleeing the country in the summer. Best way to get over things, RUN AWAY. Sorry, that's probably wrong, but oh well, if it works, it works.

My hair is still growing and maybe I can chop it before South America. (Apparently I really am reviewing all my goals because I want a fresh reminder and December blog posts aren't immediately visible.) I'm behind on my reading 2 books a month, so now I have to finish 2 (I have started 2 at least) to count for January and another 2 before February is over. I can do it. I can. I eat out a little less, but it could be more. I'd also like to add that I want to drink out less. I saved a lot of money before I was 21. Snowboarding - failure. Haven't gone at all. I really want to still though. Spanish - working on it. I had a really good week last week, but then this week I haven't yet. Or maybe it was the week before. I can't remember now so I'm going to guess that last week was my bad week.

I DID play football (catch) this past weekend though! This was really great actually. It was a terrible day because I was trying and failing at getting my phone fixed/replaced, but we stopped in the Commons, went out on the ice/snow and played catch for a really long time. We were in a lot of photographs that people took, I don't know if we were just in the way or they were taking our picture because we were two girls without coats throwing a football in the middle of winter. Still want to go to a Celtics game. Preparations for South America are a work in progress. And that's all I planned ahead for back in December. I should really come up with some more. You know, since I'm so good at accomplishing them, HA!

I think I'm getting tired again which is great because now it's 4:30am and I'm going to get up in 2 hours.

So here are your random facts:

About me -

I have yet to eat a food I don't like. Or that I won't try again and tolerate or like more. Example: I didn't like sea scallops or calamari when I first ate them, but I've had them a number of times since, so I guess can't say I don't like them. (Nikki says this isn't because I like them, it's only because I like eating in general.)

About anything -

A group of jellyfish is called a "smack."

2009-01-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

My boss said I can take off for the week of spring break.

I think I'm going to Vietnam.

This bothers some but I have yet to figure out how to explain myself. I guess I'll just continue to believe that things will work out in the end. I'm going to send my Chile application in next week. No turning back after that.

We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic. - Susan Jeffers

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. - Elbert Hubbard

Remember remember

2009-01-28T12:43:00.000-08:00

I always forget things I should remember, but can't forget things (or people) I want to forget.

THIS is a problem of mine.

Sometimes I wonder how easily I am forgotten. And I don't mean that in a negative way, but sometimes you know, it's just better to not remember. Although sometimes I wish I was acknowledged for some things, but that doesn't happen. On my list of things to do in life is Be Remembered. That is a tricky goal, because whether I actually want that depends entirely on what I might be remembered for.

In that case, I love VOIDness haha. Like my status right now. I don't really count as anything. I'm graduated, but not really graduated since I don't walk until May, am still here, and no one apparently knows I'm done with school, but I also can't go to the gym anymore. I also didn't get any of the requests for senior clearance that everyone else is now. Apparently the school forgot that people graduate in December too. And I'm a staff member, but not really a staff member, since I'm basically a temp with no benefits, but I still get some benefits like tickets to things I want to go to. I have plans, but not really, because I'm lazy and don't get things done so nothing is ever really officially planned. I just don't count. Which is okay I suppose, less pressure and expectations, right?

Anyways, I always seem to ramble.... but I really do wish I could have better control over the things I forget and the things I remember.

2009-01-27T11:42:00.001-08:00

Heard this today in my free meditation session, just when I was feeling frustrated and crazy about all the things I want to do. Nice reminder of why. I always seem to hear The Invitation at just the right time. Goal: Get my Teach Chile application sent in next week. Also by Thursday, decide on whether a visit to Sam in Vietnam may be possible in March.

Okay so I'm having a hard time with this all. And I mean, people are giving me a hard time. I don't know how to rationalize what I want to do. Some people understand, and others just don't. I have known and heard about more and more people who have been in some kind of tragic accident or terminal illness before they're 25. I know it's morbid, but say that happens to me.... I don't want to have wasted my time that I do have now.

Or they settle down, get in a serious relationship, get married, have kids. I don't want that anytime soon either. And I don't see a point in having kept a job that is okay just so I can make money to pay the bills so I can live in a place I don't want to stay. Sure, I'm definitely not going to be making money nor saving up for future down-payments by traveling, but I'd rather experience what I can and ENJOY what I do with my life, much more than spend all my time planning and saving for a future that might not exist.

If I try to do the job track, save up, go to grad school, find a different place to live... that's not going to change the fact that I want to go elsewhere, that I want to experience more than just making money and making it by. I don't know how to explain that to people. I don't know how to explain that when I have a chance for something, I can't just say no. I know that "that's life," and I can't do everything... and I am grateful and fortunate for what I have been able to do thus far, but who's to say that's all I should settle with? Who's to say that's enough? It's probably the reason why I can't stop wanting to do even more.

Reading and loving The Alchemist so far. It should be required. Maybe it's my generation, or maybe it's my friends, or maybe it's just me, but I don't see anything wrong, at all, with wanting to live out my dreams... I don't think there's wrong with hope and testing your limits and trying and maybe failing, but at least trying, and I don't think I'll be at a point where I will have regretted my decisions. Maybe things will be tougher later on for a while because I traveled instead of sticking to a job and staying here, but I think I can deal with that. I think it will be worth it. I don't see it the other way around. Just as I know that some don't understand why I want to do this, others should try to understand that I can't understand doing anything else.

Anyways, all I wanted to do was post The Invitation for anyone that hasn't already read it. Except I'm pretty sure Marisa and Sam are the only ones that read my blog and I know they have. haha.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

MYSPACE

2009-01-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

I found my old Myspace profile that somehow became locked and I can't log-in but it still exists and I can read everything that was on it. I had so many Myspace friends back then. And not like I'm saying I had a lot of friends... but I had a lot of MYSPACE friends. I was one of those. But weren't we all when it first started? YES. If you weren't, then you were late on the bandwagon. And it's funny, because 4-5 years later, people I know have actually become real life friends with some of those randoms. Funny.

Anyways, old comments are also funny. I'm sure there's many more and even better ones, but these caught my eye.

From Drew....

Jul 29, 2004 10:33 AM
oooh whitney, meet me at the porte del milwaukee where we will engage in a night of lust and adventure.

Aug 1, 2004 12:08 AM
yes, i was hitting on you.

Aug 19, 2004 5:57 PM
Whitney, you're like a goddess in my country.

Aug 20, 2004 1:24 AM
whitney, no one can resist my english accent.

Aug 26, 2004 8:01 PM
damn straight, im motha f-in' 18 i can do whateva i wanttt.

======================

Our fake marriage was GREAT!!!

And I will end with the lovely note from Angie.

Sep 25, 2004 9:20 AM
whitney eats poop yes she does she loves it so almost as much as me, she likes the buttnuggets ya der hey

Needed an update.

2009-01-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

Some thoughts....

Friends - Love them, couldn't live without them. Just had an excellent dinner with the girls, reminiscing about the last 5 years. Sometimes during our wild conversations, usually consisting of lots of yelling over each other, I really like sitting back and taking it all in. I honestly can say that they have completely made the last years and I don't know where I'd be otherwise!

Relationships - I figured it out. I don't like people. hahaha. Or when I do, I shouldnt. Or when I should, I don't. I figure that most likely, things aren't going to end well anytime soon, so why get into the hassle. But then not caring makes me feel bad, but caring always turns me into the asshole. So I choose to not partake for a while. I think it will happen if it's meant to, even if it's not until I'm 50. And I'm okay with that right now. I may feel differently in a few years.

Jobs - Temporary always. Impermanence forever. Just a minimal sidebar of experiencing life as it should be. Sometimes they are great, sometimes not so much, but I just don't care and don't think they matter in the long-run besides the monetary aspect. But I don't ever remember how much money I made in a job, nor have ever felt like I have or will have made enough money to not worry about money, so I don't even think that matters. The take-away part is who you work with, who you meet, dumb stories, and all that crap. Seriously. Jobs are silly, we think they help us get somewhere. The more money you make, the more you spend or have to spend, and the more you want to be able to spend. So really, they are just an action to take up our time. I'd rather just stay neutral, hence the working/traveling around the world. Never making enough money, but never really having the responsibilities in which I need to have it.

Trees - They are fabulous. Especially when next to your bed.

Good night.

2009-01-07T18:43:00.001-08:00

So there is one English Teaching program in Chile I'm going to apply to so far. More plans to come. Wish me luck.

Breaks are long

2008-12-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

I'm obviously writing a lot because it's the holiday break and I have too much time to kill alone haha.

Only a few thoughts...

1. My timezone comment is haunting me. The clock on my phone sometimes changes with the timezone... and sometimes it switches back. I've jumped back and forth between timezones in my head today at least 3 times. I have no idea what time it is right now. I'm somewhere in between central and eastern apparently.

2. My resolutions are going to be harder than I thought but bring it on 2009. I am so ready for a new year. Even though I'm usually looking forward to the next, it is too bad they go by so fast.

3. I really enjoy MGMT. Especially the following lyrics...

This is our decision to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun. Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute? Forget about our mothers and our friends. We were fated to pretend.

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms. I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world. I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home. Yeah I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone. But there is really nothing, nothing we can do. Love must be forgotten. Life can always start anew.

Timezones

2008-12-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

I am really tired but I can't sleep. I keep forgetting that it's still an hour earlier here in Central time. Timezones are funny. I'm starting to come up with some new year's resolutions...

-Stop smoking. Completely. For good.

-Go to the gym. Or do something active at least twice a week. (I know, I'm aiming high)

-Continue my hiatus. I am happier when I'm not stressing over meaningless situations.

-Close that door. Actually I think there's 2 or 3 I need to close. Maybe I should escape out the window? Ahh too many metaphors.

-Grow out my hair really long!

-Chop it all off and donate to Locks of Love again

-Read at least 2 new books a month

-Make lunches and dinners instead of eating out

-Go snowboarding more

-Learn Spanishhhhh

-Play football more often

-Go to a Celtics game with Missy & crew

-Figure out plans for South America

-Save up money for South America

-Get things I need for South America haha

I'll add more later on.

Close enough.

2008-12-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

It's almost the end of the year, and I obviously have to continue putting off the writing of my very last paper of my undergraduate career. Due tomorrow at 5pm, I'll be in transit between Boston and Milwaukee all day, and tonight I have a holiday party to attend, so apparently I need to get it done pretty soon. Oh well. This is what I do every year and I can't stop now!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Lived in one place for an entire year. Maybe not NEVER done before, but it's been since before middle school at least. I have either been away during the summers for camp or Australia, a mixture between Wisconsin, Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles throughout college... and for the first time ever, I have lived in Boston ALL YEAR LONG. And still counting! I'll be staying for another 6 months. I'm starting to get pretty antsy, but at least there's people around to make staying worthwhile. Oh and I turned 21 and also finished college!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never remember my resolutions. I probably kept some, and probably not for more. There's always a massive wishlist of a to-do list, and eventually it will all happen. I definitely crossed a few things off this year. I think for next year my main goals are going to be simply, or not simply, to relax and take chances. Don't sweat the small stuff! I think it will be okay to put off those other wants for 5 years or so, and just shoot for being happy and enjoying what I can do and where I can go for the time being.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but a lot of people have gotten married... Old friends had babies but we've been out of touch for a while. I keep having dreams that I either am pregnant or have children and it's really freaking me out!

4. What countries did you visit?
None sadly.

5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Balls. Hahaha. I thought I wanted to go to South America starting in January but I gave in and put it off. I have to make myself do it next year. I would also like to have self-control in most aspects of my life otherwise haha.

6. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
New Years was amazing. St Patty's Day. Some people I met really made me think about things differently, and hopefully we can actually stay friends, if not then it is what it is. Visiting Cecil in Cali was awesome, plus I got to hang out with a lot of friends who are still out there. LA JOLLA is a great beach, I wish I was a seal, they just seem so happy. Nikki coming to Wisconsin. Sam leaving for Vietnam and I attempting to live vicariously through her travels. Saco River Canoe trip!!! I guess technically I don't remember much from that haha. New Hampshire cliff jumping weekend. Halloween. Birthday. I prefer to remember as much as I can.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmmm... well I helped start-up an intiative on campus to provide grants to non-profit orgs in the area. That's pretty cool.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Bad habits. Procrastination of things I really need/should/want to do.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had the whooping cough or something in the spring, that was strange. Otherwise no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Well I was really psyched about when I bought my plane ticket to Cali, but I think that was topped by my NEW MACBOOK!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sam Thornley for sure. She's doing what I always say I want to do but apparently back down when I try to actually go for it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Appalled and depressed is pretty extreme. I suppose there were some "friends" that I would've liked to be able to expect more from, but I just can't. It's who they are. Haha. Just gotta accept it! I'm not exactly a role model either.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, bills, food, drinks, travel, macbook. I don't really do much else. haha.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finishing school this month!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I'm always bad about these... I guess probably something like Pink's So What or TI & Rihanna's Live Your Life. haha

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Cold. I was in California at this time last year haha. I knew what would happen next last year, and this time I don't. Quite a new year it shall be I think.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Same as I've said before.... Seen some more people and spent more time with others. And reading.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Florida with my dad and brother.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Interesting. I grabbed this from 2006, pre-2007 (don't know where last year's is) and I had written "I thought I did. Haha. But not really." I have no idea who I could have possibly been referring to... Obviously very meaningful. As for 2008, I can't say I fell in love but I got a new perspective on it to say the least. I'd like to think I'll be alright on my own for a good 5 years. There's just too much I still want to do. Of course I always joke about not getting married till I'm in my 70s or 80s anyways.

23. How many one-night stands?
I can't even deal with this question. I don't care and it doesn't matter.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Heroes. Lost. Friday Night Lights (I love football!)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
It takes too much effort to REALLY hate someone. So no one.

26. What was the best book you read?
Some things never change. I start a million different books but never finish any.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ooo not new, but much greater fondness of Otis Redding.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted a little bit of normalcy, break from always moving and leaving.

29. What did you want and not get?
More traveling.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hm... TWILIGHT. haha just kidding. Just saw Milk which was awesome. I honestly can't remember what movies came out this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
21. Night at Felt. Everyone blacked out. Even the ones that never do. It was glorious.

32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Using my flight voucher to actually go somewhere. haha.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Average, plain and boring haha.

34. What kept you sane?
Same as always... My top-notch friends whether I'm near them or not.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Edward Cullen / Cedric Diggory. hahaha.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
OH I VOTED IN MY FIRST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND THE CANDIDATE I VOTED FOR WON!!!!

37. Who did you miss?
I miss everyone when I'm not with them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
There's a number of newbies I met once I finally settled into Boston.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Don't put things off, take advantage of everything that is in front of you. Remember what or who has brought you to where you are today, and keep setting goals and looking ahead to the future. Be happy.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
SO LIVE YOUR LIFE AYYYYYYYYYYY
hahahaha sorry I just can't come up with anything of substance.

So live your life!

2008-12-13T09:53:00.001-08:00

I really love that TI and Rihanna song, I can't help it. I decided that people shouldn't call anything "bad music"... that opinion is irrelevant. Good music is anything that makes anyone feel something, anything. And the "bad music" makes me really really happy hahaha. And usually makes me want to dance, which is never a bad time.

I am DONE with college! Well I have like 2 pages to write for paper but it doesn't really count. I couldn't be happier.... I feel like I've had all this anxiety and stress building up for so long and now I'm just totally content. I'm glad I'm staying in Boston for a while so I can figure out my next plans, actually hang out with people when I'm not freaking out about classes, and of course do senior week and the actual graduation ceremony!!

After talking to Sam on skype while she's traveling all over Asia, I realized I need to do that. I need to get out of here, go somewhere totally foreign, and just do it. Even if it's alone. I think one of my favorite things I did last year was when I took a bus from LA to San Francisco to spend a day wandering around the city alone. It really is an amazing feeling to experience things when you know nothing, have no expectations, and all you have to do is take it all in.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be spending most of my break planning a South America route. Not sure for how long, but I don't think I'd mind figuring out a way to travel forever haha. A few people have mentioned going for a while with me, but I think I'm going to get myself committed to this sooner than later. I'll never feel satisfied until I just get out there, and if things fail miserably, so be it but at least I tried. I try to think of most things that way... Hey at least I tried. I don't like doubtfulness and sometimes it means I do things when I shouldn't, but I've got to take the chance and just hope it works out. Seize the day! haha. Just kidding, I just love Newsies.

I thought I had more to say or something intelligent but I guess I don't. I'm just very very happy.

This is what I meant for this...

2008-12-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

List of things I wanted to do this year that I did:

-Snowboarding

-Ice skating

-BSO (still want to go to the Pops)

-Red Sox game

-Aquarium

-Cape Cod

-THE GYM. At least this summer for a while.

List of things I wanted to do but didn't:

-Sailing

-Actually practice guitar and piano

-Celtics game

-Bruins game

-Museum of Science

-Arnold Arboretum

-Rock climbing

-Natural waterslides

-Trapeze school

I've got 1 month left of 2008. That is WILD. Looks like I'm not gonna finish that list. Well I'm staying here for another 6 months so we'll see what I can do. What else did I accomplish in 2008... we made friends with our neighbors. Created the notorious rumquila drink. Was a zebra for Halloween, possibly my favorite so far. Hmm yeah I can't remember the year, guess it wasn't too eventful hahaha.

Plans for the rest of 2008?

-FINISH SCHOOL IN ONE WEEK

-Snunderstorm. Never been here for that. Australia boys are coming back on Monday!

-Holiday parties... especially Ugly Sweater ones

-Wisconsin for the 19th-22nd, Florida 23rd-26th, and back to Wisconsin for 26th-30th

-Boston for New Years. Already. That's ridiculous.

I feel like 2008 just started. Maybe because I've never stayed in Boston for very long at one time that it's hard to believe I've been here for a year. Or maybe because I'm GRADUATING and it's hard to believe that's actually happening. Ohhhhh 2009 should be something good.

It's been a while

2008-11-26T07:41:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in FOREVER and I know I've been getting bad about keeping in touch with people too... but I swear it will be better soon, I just have 2 more weeks of chaos.

I'm pretty happy that I'm going to be staying in Boston in the spring. It'll be a nice chance to relax and make plans for my next big move while keeping a job that actually pays decently that I already know how to do! But come July 1... who knows! I am starting to look towards South America again, I can't help it. Maybe spend a year there and then try out grad school? We'll see.

I am officially 21 as of last week. Doesn't feel too different yet but we did have a great celebration last weekend.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm going to spend the day researching and writing a paper. JEALOUS? Haha. I'm really nervous about getting this all done, I can barely sleep! By Monday, life will be easier. I am looking forward to December 19th, that's for sure.

Well I guess I really don't have much to say which is probably why I haven't written in a while. Ha!

BARACK OBAMA

2008-11-04T22:28:00.001-08:00

I think for the first time, I am actually feeling real pride.
1968 is only 40 years ago, less than half a lifetime.
2006 and the Jena 6 is only 2 years ago.
Every day there is still discrimination.
But this election IS history.

Despite political ideologies (at least 7 previously red states turned blue)...
apathy to politics (overwhelming voter turnout this year!)...
resentment to the electoral process...
and the immense economic, environmental, and social problems that we still face (which thankfully, I am now hopeful for the future!)...
this election is incredibly impressive and honestly moving.

I mean, just look what we can do. We really did this. I don't know how anyone can still not care and be excited. How can anyone not look at our history and see that THIS IS HISTORY... and believe that change CAN happen and that we CAN make a difference.

I really do believe that things are going to change. It's not just the other party taking over, it's a leader that wants to lead for everyone.... "we rise or fall as one nation, as one people"... "to those whose votes I have yet to earn"...

McCain's concession speech was great too... "offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences"... "Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans"... "we must work together to get our country moving again"

I don't know if I just didn't pay attention before, but things sure seem like they're going to change. And it's amazing. Taking a serious look at the past, what has already been overcome, what JUST happened... it really does make me hopeful!

"What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."

Now let's do work!!!

Scarzy.

2008-10-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

Scarzy is my word for scary and crazy... and that's what decision making is. Haha.

I had an overwhelmed, overstressed moment the other week and now things have calmed down for the time being. I've narrowed down my plans. Temporarily. I am only looking at one Plan A and one Plan B. Plan A - taking the position at Fuel - will get me a year to figure out things and Plan B - staying in Boston and working in the SA office - will get me till May/June to figure out my teaching/volunteering/job searching plans. I just don't have the time or energy to cram it all in right now on top of work and classes. South America year-long adventure WILL happen, just not yet. Before I'm 25 at least.

School is decent. Lots of projects and papers but hopefully they'll come together. I can't believe it's already the middle of October. Seriously, that means I'm done with school in about 2 months. Less than. Weird!! More importantly, my birthday is in a month. Cannot wait. I also cannot wait to see people either at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Thinking about how I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing reminds me of what I can always count on coming back to. Granted, not everyone sticks around Wisconsin but I know I'll see everyone I need to somewhere, somehow. I love that. I love that there is no doubt in my mind that 10 years from now I can get together with people I've known since high school or college and catch up. Things will have changed of course, but the ones that matter always understand that. I mean right now I can say my best friends are in here in Boston, but also in California, Texas, Wisconsin, Spain, Scotland, and Vietnam. Amazing. It really is what keeps me sane. No matter how lost I feel about deciding what to do and where to go, there's always the constant in people that I'll be able to rely on no matter what. I am so lucky and grateful to have that.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elizabeth Foley

2008-10-07T19:56:00.001-07:00

"I already miss enough people who aren't here right now, that I don't want to be missing the ones who actually are."

True. Think about it.

Where's the pause button?

2008-09-25T12:47:00.001-07:00

That's exactly what I want. I just want to pause everything. Instead I feel like the fast forward button got stuck, and worse, it keeps going faster and faster. Take one night off, and suddenly I feel like I'm a week behind. But maybe I just wasn't paying that close of attention in the first place. Hopefully I can catch up soon before it gets worse.

I keep being distracted by the small task of figuring out what to do with my life. I wish contracts, salary, living expenses, insurance, all of that... I wish I could just ignore everything money related. I wish it was easy as doing what you want to do, what you love. But it never is. Things have to be complicated, you have to make decisions, and you have to sacrifice one thing for another. At least that seems to be the case. I want to continue to believe that things will fall into place, but I hope I won't be let down by thinking that way.

Like I said, as soon as I finally admit things to be my official decision, they change. They have, a little bit. So I've pretty much decided that staying in Boston isn't in my best interest. I have been in Boston for almost 5 years. Well give or take leaving every couple months haha. I can't imagine starting to stay 1-3 years longer. So outside of that, I want to get back to the West Coast. Looking into a few options. It's really weird. I'm stuck in between trying to go after higher level jobs that I THINK I can handle, or going after ones that are lower level that I KNOW I can. What do I apply to - positions that are like the ones I've had, or positions that I want to do and hopefully can fill? If I just keep trying to do what I've already done, I'll never get anywhere. But it's a little scary. I feel so young and inexperienced, but I guess I'm not. I hope. I can't tell.

So anyways. For now, I'm looking to the West, eventually grad school but not yet, throw in South America sometime... Always something to do next. Can't wait for the day when I don't have to think about future plans. Probably won't happen until I'm dead. Who am I kidding, I love making up my goals of how to spend my life!!! I just don't like the part in which I realize what must be done to make it all happen.

Couple good quotes to ponder... I hope I don't lessen any of them by putting them all out there together, I just couldn't pick only one. I need reminders of why I think anything is possible, and why I think convenient and okay just isn't enough.

"Your aspirations are your possibilities. "~ Samuel Johnson

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."~ Zig Ziglar

"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. "~ Doug Larson

This one is my favorite today because time is what we never think we have enough of, what we can't change, what we can't pause, and what we see as our limitation...

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

What works.

2008-09-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

I've pretty much decided what I want to do. I've been set in it for the last 2 weeks or so. I think I am really decided. Now I just have to work on getting the plans together. I'm going to keep this to myself because usually when I write my decisions down, they seem much more confirmed, and then things usually change. So let's not jinx it all.

My last semester started last week. So nice having the LAST first day of school!! But this semester is going to be something else. I'm really loving 2 of my classes - Social Entrepreneurship and Eastern Religions. I think I'll learn a lot. There's a decent amount of work but hopefully it won't be too bad. So far I'm just having some trouble keeping up with the readings... but I'm still trying so that's something!! Usually I give up. Haha. Senior Seminar is... senior seminar. At least it's just once a week. I just don't really care about any of what we're going to be talking about anymore I think. Same as the Special Topics in Music Industry class. Also once a week. VERY VERY long class with A LOT of unexpected work. Could be interesting... or could be awful.

TAing is probably one of the best things I could've done this semester except for trying to fit it in the busiest schedule. I LOVE my Non-Profit class I'm TAing for. I took it last spring but this semester the class is going to be working on managing a grant and basically setting up a foundation. And I still get to be a part of it minus having the class homework. I finally caught up with the work I did have to do to set up the class for community partnerships, but after tomorrow, most of my work will have been done I think... so yay for that!

The other class I'm TAing is for undecided freshmen. It helps me realize how easily things can come together and also how they can change. They are all worried about being behind on graduating on time, picking the right major for the right career. I knew what I wanted to do and went with it and look where I am now!! haha. Anything can happen that's for sure. I guess this is better than having gone into Pharmacy and realizing in my last year that I didn't want to do that... options are less open after that I feel like, but maybe not. But as much as I complain about having gone into music industry instead of something else, not having gone abroad, not having done a lot of things... I'm pretty satisfied with what I've been able to do and where I am. I just have so much ahead that I want to do and places to go that I forget sometimes.

What else... I've pretty much come to terms with letting go of some relationships. It sucks, but it's okay. That's always an interesting experience. Different reasons and different mistakes every time... so at least I'm not just stuck on a crappy repeat... but it's harder every time so hopefully I'll get it right at some point soon. One of these days... I'm trying to stay optimistic alright??

Okay let's be honest, my mind is a mess and I'm trying to stay calm with everything that's going on. I'm really overwhelmed but I haven't freaked out yet so that's a good sign. I am just going to try and breathe, take it all in, and keep all my options open.... Taking it one day, one week, one month at a time. I'm going to start going to yoga!! I think I just had to take a step back from my crazy aspirations because I was spending too much time figuring things out (or thinking about figuring them out but not actually accomplishing anything) and I wasn't doing anything useful with the time that's right now. And I want to enjoy and get what I can of at least the rest of the year. Let's make it to then.

No matter what I do, things will fall into place on way or another. I believe that.

"The thing about our choices is that after we have made them, they turn around and make us."

P.S. My birthday is 2 months from today. I'm very very excited.

Pros & Cons

2008-09-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

Boston:
+ Already have a place to live
- Maybe would want to live in only a 2 person apartment
+ Great salary and benefits
+ Free grad classes after a semester
- At least a 3 year time commitment to get degree
+ Would be here for senior week & spring graduation ceremony
+ Wouldn't have to leave
- Already have been here for give or take 5 years

Los Angeles:
+ Weather
+ Trips to San Francisco and San Diego to visit friends
+ Closer to be able to visit Portland and Seattle too
+ Fun people to work with
+ Fun job
+ Random free swag
- Maybe not so great of pay
- Maybe no benefits
- Have to find an apartment
+ Rachel and Kristina both moving out there
+ Dustin just moved out there
+ Everyone who already lives out there
+ Would have a car again
- Would have to pay for all things car related
+ Beaches
+ Hiking
+ Get to go back once I'm finally 21 so I can actually function socially
- Already been there?
- Not sure where the job will take me next

South America:
+ New
+ Exciting
+ Adventure
+ Travel
+ Volunteer service
+ Independence
- Alone
+ Learn Spanish
+ Learn about entirely different cultures and places
+ Changing
- Money
- Health/safety questionable
+ When else will I do it

I'll work on it.

S'mores

2008-08-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

This is the last lazy Friday in which one of the most active things I do is walk downstairs to get s'mores poptarts. Next week is Fall Move-In and then school starts. It's just going to get crazier and crazier between work and school and life decisions. By this time next week, I'm not even going to have a moment to just do nothing and think. Time is going to fly by faster and faster.

Which means I am going to have to make a decision sooner. And I am really going to have a hard time making that decision.

Do I want the job that I'm already set up to have? Work with fun people and have a great salary with benefits that include free tuition? I wouldn't have to move. Nothing would change except I'd actually be making money. And I could be here for senior week and actually do the whole graduation ceremony. I could save up some decent money to do volunteer travel later. But if I did the grad school track, I'd probably be here for at least 3 years.

Or do I want the job that I used to want? Work with friends and get further in the door of entertainment and music? Downside is the pay and likely no benefits, but I'd get to move back out to LA. Back in sunny California. With other friends that have or are going to move out there. For as much as I liked it last time, this time I would have my car and be 21 which really changes everything. But do I even still want to work in music/entertainment? And can I really just knowingly put myself into a job that is going to make it difficult to make it by with the pay?

Or do I apply for other jobs when I already have these 2 basically in front of me? If I do, where do I look? Do I try to stay in Boston? Or go back to LA? Or somewhere else - San Francisco, San Diego, Portland, Seattle, Chicago, Minneapolis, Denver...? Then do I really have to decide where I want to go and commit myself to moving there?

Or do I try to do some kind of volunteer work? In the U.S.? Americorps, Teach for America, or a fellowship?

Or go abroad? Peace Corps, teaching English abroad, work exchange, backpacking? What about my year-long South America adventure?

See... I'm really bad at making decisions alone. Especially huge decisions. But if I don't decide on my own, I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck doing something I didn't really want to. But so far, I can't see myself being able to choose.

What I want to do and what I should do don't match. What is smart and what is crazy is the difference between planning ahead for my future and living my life in the moment. So which is the right direction to go? I'm afraid that once I pick one, I lose another forever. That's true. I know that nothing I choose is forever, I know that I will still have more choices to make later, more opportunities, and maybe time to do what I chose not to before... but not with everything. Sometimes it's now or never.

Once I decide, I feel like everything going to be moving faster and I don't want to forget my earlier plans. I want it all and I don't know what I will be okay with letting go. Probably the reason why I can't make decisions. It's not about choosing what to do, it's about letting go of the others. My other seemingly big decisions weren't really difficult. What college? Well Northeastern was really the only one that accepted me into the program haha. My co-ops? It took a while to find ones and I pretty much accepted all offers, hence the working 3-4 jobs wherever I was. I am bad at saying no and I don't like the idea of forever. I don't want to have lost anything forever.

Just another manic Monday.

2008-08-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

Fun fact!
DID YOU KNOW: Prince wrote Manic Monday?

-------------------

Mondays are good and bad days. They are the beginning of the week and I hopefully usually have something to look forward to, but then again, it's only Monday and I have a whole week ahead. On the plus (or minus sometimes) side, I usually have time to think and plan and sort and organize and all that good stuff because once the weekend is over, I start to think straight again.

I can't even describe how ready I am for classes. Working 8-4 Mon-Fri is so boring now. I need some change in the routine. Even though I'm slightly terrified of this semester because I may have overbooked my schedule. Oh well, I'm usually better under pressure I guess. I'm lame when I have nothing to do. Anyways, 2 more weeks left. I have a lot to do before then... Eek! I have made a resolution of the week: I've decided that I really have to stop being cynical. It's almost funny because I'm either hopelessly optimistic or I'm the completely opposite. I wish there was a middle ground, but I usually just go back and forth between the two. Neither extreme is very productive.

Thinking some more... South America may be too much too soon. I want to do it, but with all that I want to do there, it probably would be smarter to wait a bit, save up a little more money, and plan ahead. Because if I do this once-in-a-lifetime thing, I want to do it right! But then again, if I start waiting, when will I stop? I do need some kind of adventure... Something new and exciting, unknown and challenging. I get bored. I try to stay away from going back to what I know, what I've done already just for the sake of knowing that I can or that it's convenient. I don't really know what direction that leaves me with, but I think it's pretty much everything.

That seems to be my problem. When I finally figure anything out, I only know what I don't want... but not what I do want. Or what I want is crazy and impossible. Hence the waiting pattern. It's funny though because I usually tell other people to go out and do their thing, go after whatever they want, figure it out, try and fail or succeed... Take the time to live and things will come together on their own. I've always believed that when you are most comfortable with yourself and your life, no matter what is going on, the rest will all eventually make sense. But you have to want it for yourself and not anyone else. For whatever reason, I don't apply this to myself as often as I should. When I get stuck waiting, is it on my own terms? Or am I just stuck because I can't make decisions on my own?

I've been getting a little overwhelmed lately between worrying about friends and family, and while I don't want to just dwell and stress about my own future, I definitely take more time to think those other things out more than my own. It's really hard to ignore everything else and just take the time to ask yourself, What do you really want? Ha, now I feel like I'm in Once Upon a Time in Mexico... "What do you want in life? .... To be free..."

Sigh, well I guess I probably do think about myself a lot... and just never get anywhere. But you know, I think it's okay to be selfish. You gotta figure out who you are and what you want in your own life before you are even capable of doing anything in anyone else's. “Hold fast to the human inside of you and you’ll survive.” You have to do it on your own.

Karma.

2008-08-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

I caught a mouse in a shoebox today.

I poked some holes in the box for air.

I gave it a little piece of bread and some corn kernels to eat and not feel so bad about getting caught.

I gave it a sock so it was more comfortable being stuck in a small box.

Apparently you have to take them at least a mile away or else they'll come back. And now no one will walk with me to let it go.

So it's just sitting on the counter right now. But I tried to make it's time in the shoebox experience less scary. And I'm going to let it go somewhere out in the big exciting world.

...

Maybe some good karma will be headed my way now? Mice are kinda cute... I wish it wasn't so scared of me. But I'd probably feel the same way if I was stuck in a little box.

Keep my feet on ground & my head in the clouds

2008-08-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Time of Your Song" by Matisyahu is really addicting. Probably because it was practically on repeat all weekend when we were in New Hampshire.

There's nothing like having a weekend away with amazing people, crazy day adventures, and feasts! Best dinner ever. Reminds me that even with my crazy dreams, I already have everything I need. I jumped off a cliff on Saturday and it was AWESOME. I was impressed that I only hesitated for a moment, had a swig of liquid courage, and just jumped. It was too long of a hike to not.

That's kind of how I'm feeling about traveling after December. I've wanted to for too long and haven't. I've looked into, talked about it, started making plans, and then just put it off. I keep waiting for the right time, but I just have to do it. I don't have anything else persuading me to go in another direction. Why not? I'm gonna keep working on the Spanish lessons and figure out where to apply once it's September.

Sometimes I get a little jealous of my friends in pharmacy and physical therapy and business who know what they want to do and what they're going to do when they graduate. Me though, I want to try everything and go everywhere. I can't help it. There's way too much out there. I keep thinking that I'll start to be realistic at some point, but it get worse... It's just the way I am.

I have absolutely no self-control.

2008-08-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

True. It's becoming a problem. I'll have to work on that.

Anyways. I started learning Spanish from a free podcast. I learned a few sentences and words. Check that off the list.. maybe I can learn Spanish for South America!

I'm at work now in an empty office with too much time to think... I need to focus on some good things though so here's a few things off my list to do before 2008 is over:

-Watch Pete's Dragon
-Skydiving
-Trapeze school
-See a meteor shower (just missed one this week though)
-Make a time capsule
-Donate blood
-Play hockey
-Yoga
-Meditate

Hm, I looked through the giant list and those were the only ones that were possible to do right now. I should probably set realistic goals at some point but that's not really what I do well.

I'm going to try to blog.

2008-08-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

I think a blog might be the only way to keep myself sane over the next couple of months. My friends can only listen to so much, so I might as well try talking to myself aka blogging. And livejournal is so old and full of really REALLY bad entries that I can't delete because they are embarassingly funny but I also can't look at them that often.

Right now my main focus is figuring out what to do when it's finally January. I have 4 1/2 months to figure this out. Well, I have more like 2 1/2 because I better freakin' know by November because I'll have to find a place to live somewhere.

The current unrealistic life goal: Go to South America for all of 2009.

I usually will come up with such crazy ideas, but I'm really thinking this might be possible. I'm starting to actually tell people about this plan and I think if I can convince others, I can definitely convince myself. So far I've bought 2 books: "The Rough Guide: First Time Around the World" and Frommer's "South America" guide. Obviously that means I'm getting somewhere haha. I think economically it's possible. There's a ton of locations I've found that are free to volunteer and then get free food/housing during the stay. Random hostels, orphanages, schools, etc. I'm also finding sites that list short-term job opportunities. Plus there's always couch-surfing or just staying in hostels, sleeping on buses, etc. I think if I can figure out a way to learn enough Spanish in the next few months and work out the funding details, I will do it. Hopefully by October I can start applying to places and setting up an itinerary?? Possibly.

Otherwise, option #2: Live and work in Costa Rica. Somewhere, somehow. Or.... Do Americorps. Or stay in Boston and get a job. Or move somewhere else and get a job. It just seems silly to stay in one place though. I've only got so long to try to go everywhere in the world!!!

August To Do:
-Find a way to learn Spanish... for free.
-Find at least 3 locations in each country to apply to.
-Make a joke about the idea to my mom.